waiting on someone elses meal

the sunset fell warmly on her face
i could tell she was nervous

looking down and biting my lip
i listened as she whispered

"i want THIS but i want THAT as well
it's a battle i'm not sure i can fight"

my lip still tucked under my teeth
i glance upward with a gentle confession

"you inspire my creativity"
she silently replied with only a chuckle

you could tell it made her uncomfortable
her eyes darting as she breathed in

"i don't know what i want but yet i do"
she said, hands fidgeting at her button

i slowly reach across the table
and put her face in my hand

turn her eyes to meet mine
a small caring grin rising upon my face

"THIS could be what you need
but THAT is what you want"

she pulled away from me
removing the napkin from her lap

she softly kissed me on the cheek
and disappeared into the darkness

i sit in the same chair waiting
knowing she can never be replaced

free writing

my face is jaundiced from the reflection of the moon

you stare at me silently waiting for my confession

but i don't have it

you know the answers to the questions that linger in your mind

the faint outline of a tear hanging on your bloodshot eyes

my hands are made to create not destroy

your lies were crafted by the minds of meddling men

you can keep walking the other way or face reality

no one can love you more than you love yourself

embrace the four knuckles of redemption in your face

taste the sour vengeance of dismay on my lips

you told me you were incapable of love

i didn't believe you i knew it existed within your head

the problem is our heads always make the decisions for our hearts

death is an easy answer - but life - life is the bastard child of a world raped by lies.

see that puddle on the floor - it's my melted heart

my heart just triple melted.

my nightly routine with Rhys is something i always look forward to.

it starts with us lifting our legs as high as we can as we march up each individual stair - chanting "march, march, march"

i wait in the hallway as Rhys goes in his room and grabs a washcloth and yells out the color he chose - he then runs into the bathroom and sits down and takes off his socks and his shoes as i run the bathwater.

then he approaches me lifts his shirt over his belly and then says "hep"(help) - we undress and he giggles and we count 1.....2.......3......and i whisk him into the tub.

he pours out the bath makers and starts to color the tub and himself for about 5 minutes - he then moves on to his trains and plays with them shouting "choooooo chooooo chooooo"

all the while i am washing him and cleaning things like marker from his face and paint from his arms - then it's time to wash all that hair of his and as the water falls from the cup and onto his hair he shrieks "rain"

he plays for a while more until he says "i done" - we sing the clean up song as he puts all the bath toys away - and then it's 1.....2.....3......and i whisk him out of the tub and wrap him up in a towel.

i sit him on the sink and he grabs his little toothbrush and puts it under the faucet and then says "toopase"(toothpaste) - he fervently brushes his little teeth and his tongue - rinses off the toothbrush and then taps the brush 3 times.

we put on his PJ's - read a few books and then i say "ok Rhys it's time for bed" - he turns to me - wraps his arms around me and hugs me as tight as he can and then gives me the biggest kiss ever - i carry him to the light switch and he turns out the light - he says "nigh nigh - seet dree"

the final part of this ritual is my favorite part- it is something i look forward to as i am driving to pick him up from school - i hold him and he lays his little head on my shoulder and i rock him and sing Wonderwall by Ryan Adams (screw Oasis).

well tonight something happened - i always sing the entire song all the way through slowly getting softer towards the end - the same thing happened tonight - singing and getting quieter and quieter until i sing the last word - and then in a tiny little sleepy whisper he says "again"

i freaking lost it - my heart just melted - tears welled up and drops began to fall - and in a soft susurration i sing it again - holding him close - feeling him breathe against me.

i never imagined i could have these kinds of feelings - that i could love something this much - i love being a dad - but i REALLY LOVE being Rhys's dad.


WONDERWALL

after a while you get used to the crunching sound

you know with each relationship the comes and goes in life - you are supposed to learn something. be it about life or yourself.

for the most part this has held true for me - or let me rephrase - for the most part i thought this held true for me.

now single and seemingly "lost" in the dating world i realized that while lessons have been available for me to learn from - i have pretty much ignored all the big things.

the one constant that i always seemed to find as a relationship came to an end is the fact i always got frustrated that i felt like i was walking on eggshells.

it had become such a commonplace feeling that i was used to the sound of the crunching eggshells - but if i want to be really honest with myself - that isn't completely the fault of anyone else but me.

my one failure was i refused to actually be honest with myself which led me to not being completely honest with someone who i was working on developing a lasting relationship with.

my last relationship ended because of my refusal to be honest with myself which led me to being dishonest with them which led to me being paranoid and insecure about myself and my capabilities.

tonight i was listening to the new Kings of Leon album and one song that i always hung on to was "Use Somebody" cause i felt it was a true expression of how i felt and what i wanted but tonight i realized that i was listening to the wrong song - "Use Somebody" played and passed without me giving a second thought - then "Be Somebody" came on and i stopped and just closed my eyes and listened.

it's not that i could use somebody to make feel whole - it's that i have to be somebody to make a difference - to be trustworthy and kind.

so the familiar sound and feeling of eggshells crunching beneath my feet were actually the tiny pieces of my own self inflicted broken heart.

i can't change my past - but i can improve for the future - i can be humble and regretful for my mistakes and learn from them - learn how to be somebody for myself and someone special out there.

funeral for a friend - a celebration of life

i start this post off with a video that explains how disappointed i am for who i was and how i still have time to change the me that everyone can still love. it in moments of tragedy when we reflect on how we affect other people and how we really take for granted the people who were in our lives at one point or another.





now to one of the toughest funerals i have ever been to. this morning i went to celebrate the life and mourn the loss of a truly good person. not a hateful or bad bone in her body. someone who with a quick flick of lips to form a smile could change your mood - could lighten a dark room. as i sat in the service my heart broke over and over and over again - for this loss - not for my loss but her family's loss - her roomate - her best friend people i had gotten to know about through stories from Chané - to finally meet them - hug them hold them shake their hands - looking around at the HUNDREDS of people who filled the church - people who were all affected differently by this spark of beauty and grace.

i can't continue living in a moment - for a moment - i need to truly be a selfless person - someone like Chané - who i would walk into work early and see her there already - her telling me "i've been here since 6am cause i had to take a friend to the airport at 5am - you ask her why and the answer is "that's what friends do"

friends are honest to the core (even when it's painful), they are trustworthy and honorable. they stick up for you no matter what - even when you are wrong. so in honor of Chané - as an example to my son and in retribution to all the people who i have hurt in one way or another - this is my statement of change.

i am here to enrich you life - to selflessly compliment your already complete lives - to be there and focus on you when you need someone - but mostly i am here to live life to the fullest and who ever wants to join you are welcome.

i finish this blog with one more song that explains me this week. "...if you want to make it stop, then stop, stop..."

fuck this - fuck them

today is the hardest day. i am doing everything inside of me to hold it together but i am angry and still heartbroken.

what goes through a persons mind to just get in a car and open fire into an open crowd?

what kind of person does that? how are they living with themselves?

believe me i am far from perfect and i have done some horrible things in my past to hurt people and honestly i am the last person to judge but i am pissed off and my counselor told me the best way to get through this is to feel.

so that is what i am doing i am feeling.

Chanés family called and asked if we could make a recording of her voice mail because they were tired of having calling her extension several times a day to hear her voice - one the last bits of her that still existed - to hold on to - to hear.

i loose it every time i think about it - holding on to a recording of a loved ones voice cause you want to hear it - you miss it - they way they said good morning and laughed at your silliness - it gone

i know it isn't ever going to make sense - i am trying to realize that i can't find an answer for this - and even if i did find an answer - it wouldn't be good enough.

i am in no way saying anyone deserve to die more than another person - but Chané was the last person that deserved to be killed - she was good and wonderful person to the core - honest and trustworthy and always making sure everyone was taken care of. that's the most tragic of it all - someone like me - who has hurt people and acted irresponsibly - our breath is less valuable than hers.

just my opinion.