how is it fair?

how is it fair that people who are genuine and caring and worthy of the best lives possible - have their lives taken so horribly and suddenly.

i know that the world doesn't judge one person more worthy over another but these are good people that are being taken - honesty, trustworthy loving people.

i just don't understand it - this is going to sound so stupid - but i should die before any of these people.

i've hurt people - i've been a horrible person - why should someone who has done nothing but serve other people and act so selflessly die?

hello sir, did you get enough to drink? good! please get behind the wheel and drive.

what possesses people to think it's ok to get behnd the wheel of a car when they have had too much to drink?

i don't get it! i don't understand. it's so easy to call a friend or a cab.

yes i will admit that i have made poor decisions in the past and luckily i have not been hurt or hurt someone else much less KILL THEM

last night some fucking asshole thought it would be a good idea to get in his mercedes - drunk - and go the wrong way down the street and mindlessly hit one of the most kind and selfless men i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. i am so angry and sad and bitter.

this idiot kills someone and is held on only $25,000 bond. are you kidding me?

i just don't get it - i know i never will - but why - why - why - why - this is not the first tome i have lost a friend to a senseless and unfair death this year.

i am just so upset - i've hid it all day - i've masked it - and now that i have Rhys to bed and i sit here in the quiet - the anger is just swelling.

news story here

a fatherly facade

today is my 4th fathers day - and it's hard. it's so fucking hard today. i don't have Rhys so that's part of it, but i am also just at a low point with my career, my personal life - it's hard not reflect on my mistakes and misfortunes.

but

there is one thing that i am 100% confident that i have been successful at and that's being a dad. i never ever imagined that i could love something so much - so fierce. it is such a remarkable and unexplainable feeling to look down and see this being that you created - that fills your life with so much joy and delight - that all you want to do is reward their life in the same manner. i don't care what happens to me in life - i will die fighting to be the best father and the best friend to my son.

but in that exact order - father first and friend second - my dad had it backwards - he just tried being my friend but was not a father. and i am consistently haunted by this demon that tears at my soul and at times rips it apart.

this is time where i let my guard down and put away the facade that i create more often than not. this is me 100% honest and true

i am extremely insecure - i am scared of honesty - i force myself into trouble because i am terrified of actually being successful.

and as i have become a man and become more cognizant of the type of man i am developing into - i realize that i am dangerously straddling the fence of failure as a father - the failure that my dad was - he failed me as a father - he didn't teach me responsibility, he didn't teach me consequence, what he taught me is how to be charming and liked by everyone.

and what makes today so hard - isn't the fact that i don't have my son - it's the fact that i can't call my dad and tell him i love him and thank him for being such a great dad - but i sit here and struggle with my feelings because while he failed me - he still loved me and because of that i can not hate this man - as much as i want to - i can't.

so what am i going to do? i am going to call him and i am going to tell him happy fathers day. i am going to get over myself and face this fucking demon that has so viciously haunted me for the past 12 years.

being a father isn't right - it's a privilege and it's a responsibility and i thank God for the opportunity to mold and shape the future of a little boy and help turn him into a man who is honest and accountable.