A new home for my words

So this is the new home for my writing. My old blog has become more of a personal diary - so I am transitioning my creative works over here. Happy Reading.

l'enfer, c'est les autres

as Sartre brilliantly said "hell is other people"

the big defining word there is PEOPLE - to me - right now - PEOPLE refers to two things.

1) myself

2) my "old" friends

this quote comes from a really great play called No Exit - basically 3 people are sent to hell and forced to sit in rooms alone - to be with themselves - at one point a character says "l'enfer, c'est les autres" or "hell is other people"

ultimately i can only take responsibility for my actions and not of those i decided to surround myself with.

their "i can do whatever i want as long as i'm willing to accept the fallout" attitude rubbed off on me and put me in a really depressing situation

but really it wasn't any specific thing that they did or did not do - it was the fact i let these other PEOPLE create a personal view of myself through their eyes not my own.

essentially i wasn't trying to define myself by the person i knew i was inside - i was letting myself believe that whatever the world around thought of me was truth and that was the person i was to be.

i let other PEOPLE make me introverted when really at heart i am a complete extrovert

what do people really want?

they want to be liked, admired, respected, even treated with veneration. i'd argue that almost all healthy people want this.

there are extroverts who always jump all over the introverts saying, “why do you care what other people think? i don’t care what anyone thinks!”

i think this is one of the lies we go around telling ourselves. we want to believe that we are our own masters and that we're are not addicted to feel-good snacks from other humans.

however, what if an extrovert who thinks that wakes up one day to find that everyone hated them? all of their friends and loved ones have abandoned them. they go outside and people spit at them and curse them.

they would be crushed - they would be lost as to what to do - the moment they are alone with their thoughts and feelings - the only plausible option may seem like death

so to reprimand myself and to truly be honest with myself i have to let go of the “i don’t care what anyone thinks of me!” mentality. it's completely wrong. we do care; we care too much.

well it's official

my son has said his first word "uh oh" is that two words? yeah probably not.

spending time with other kids really makes him do amazing things.

imagine that - socializing my child is actually a GOOD thing.

the best part is if you look at him and say it he immediately repeats excitedly "uh oh"

good times

the last 365 days of my life........

the last year (oct. 06 - oct. 07) has been the hardest year of my life. in exactly 5 hours from when i am typing this (10:52am) will be exactly a year from when my life completely changed.

that exact moment i heard the most beautiful sound i have ever heard - These Are the Days by 10,000 Maniacs lightly played as i heard my son let out his very first cry - take his very first breath - enter this world. i don't ever remember being so happy and so proud. at that very moment nothing else mattered.

i didn't care that i knew he would complicate things in my already failed marriage - i didn't care that outside in the waiting room were my family and friends who all had their own ideas of what was best for me in my life.

all i cared about was this tiny human who i would forever worry about and forever be responsible for - it was the first time in my life i felt truly vulnerable. while in the hospital things were easy - it was going home when the real world came back into focus.

my struggling marriage - my new position at work - the real responsibilities of being a father - the stress of being the sole breadwinner in a family - dealing with friends who wanted me to forget about my kid and just go back to living life with them.

all of those things i just mentioned above have made me a stronger, better person over the last year. it has taken me this long to realize it but they have.

my struggling marriage: i told myself that if this thing was going to work we had to try one last thing and have a child to make it better. yeah i fell into that trap. and i was so freaking wrong. the problem was more me than it was her. i just don't think i am fully capable of loving someone. my son doesn't count, cause that is a parental love and that bond is tight and unbreakable. but a romantic love - i just don't think i have it in me. i mean maybe i do - but i have found anyone to bring it out. we tried marriage counseling, i have been to personal counseling and the end result hasn't changed. we were great friends and horrible lovers. i felt like i was sort of rushed into marriage and just doing it to make her happy and to try and keep up with our "friends". i married a person who just didn't get me, who didn't understand sarcasm and juvenile behavior and music. MUSIC.....one of the most important things to me....how can some one who played flute and oboe for 7 some years not get music and love it? it is beyond me. i married my complete opposite and i told myself that it was okay cause if i married someone with similar interest then i wouldn't be happy. i was wrong. so now i get to deal with mediation and custody and shit like that. but let me make this point very clear. i do not regret it in the overall scheme of things. if i hadn't done it, i would never have Rhys. and he is the most amazing thing in this world.

my new position at work: right before Rhys was born i moved into an Sr. Art Director role at work. this was a huge step and a huge responsibility to take on right before having a kid. but work was my mistress and i was willing to devote the extra time to her to help this company get back on it's feet. well i didn't know that my boss was going to turn out to be a lazy bastard who had me do all his work and take credit for it. well i have made it through 2 layoffs and lost my boss and my VP and EVP. i also got a title demotion back down to Art Director but promised to be considered to be moved back up in 6 months. well i don't think that is going to happen now. i have turned down 5 offers from good retailers around the country in hopes that i would get promoted to a real Sr. AD. again i don't regret not leaving. i still have hope that there are good things in store for me here in TX.

dealing with friends who wanted me to forget about my kid and just go back to living life with them: i surrounded myself with the most immature selfish people who had no concept of responsibility. i tried leaving them but just kept walking back to them. well i finally shut them out of my life and told them that it was time for me to start over. i have been a lot happier since.

the last thing i want to talk about here is my incident in June - on Fathers Day. all the stresses i mentioned above got to me. and i drank a bottle of Makers Mark Whiskey and took a bottle of Vicodin. everyone thinks i tried to commit suicide - but it wasn't suicide it was just me trying to be numb. it was the dumbest things i have ever done - yet looking back it seemed so symbolic. it was at that moment that i realized i needed to start over with life. so in essence i did kill myself. it took me a while to rebuild the new me and i am still in the process of it - but things are beginning to make sense and take shape in my life and for once i feel truly happy.

i have no idea what the rest of this year (2007) has in store but i feel that relationships will slowly blossom and new friendships will be forged and i will begin to truly start living mylife.

thank you for the few who can read this. you all play an important role in my life.

best dad/uncle?

a special someone said that to me last night - well texted it to me. it could be debated based on the events of last night.

last night we had a small party for Rhys at my moms house. my sisters came and my nephew Luke (3 years old) had his friend Nathan (4 years old) with him. well my mom told me that after the party she was going to the movies with my stepdad. no big deal really - i just wanted to go over to the Mel's place to help out with resume stuff and to - whatever.

well my sisters are getting ready to leave and they ask where mom is - i told them that her and Ken went to the movies and my sister is like well they were going to watch Luke and Nathan tonight, i have plans.

so being that crazy guy i am - i said i would watch them.

wow!!!!

i typically put Rhys in the bath around 7:30 - 7:45. we have a 15 minute bathtime and then it off to bed. well i put on power rangers for Luke and Nathan and started giving Rhys his bath. about 5 minutes into the bath 2 naked little boys run into the bathroom and jump in the tub. the 15 minute bathtime turned to almost 30 minutes and i was shocked Rhys was having such a good time. i get everyone out of the bath and dried off - i sent Luke and Nathan to put on their pajamas and i get Rhys ready for bed.

by this time it is bedtime for Luke and Nathan also - so i tell them that they need to go lay down and i will be in there in 5 minutes. i lay Rhys in his pack and play and head off to Lukes room. i sat on the floor with Luke and Nathan and told them that i would hang out for 5 minutes and then it was time to turn off the lights.

surprisingly they were complaint. so it is almost 9:00 now and i sit down to try and watch something on TV. the next thing i hear over Rhys's baby monitor is Luke whispering.

"Rhys wake up, we have a mission to go on. You can be Sandman. Nathan is Venom and I am Spiderman" then i hear a loud bang and then i hear Rhys laughing - i go into his room and Luke and Nathan have jumped into the pack and play.

i pull them out and tell them to get in bed. i am so blessed to have the easiest kid in the world - i laid Rhys down and never heard a peep out of him the rest of the night. Luke and Nathan weren't making any noise so i just left them alone.

i gave up on TV and started working on some stuff for the Mel's. it is almost midnight when i hear noise coming from Luke's room - i go and put my ear to the door and i can hear then arguing over who gets to wear the Spiderman web slinger. i swing the door open and they scatter into their beds. but being the kids they are, they can't help but laugh and me being the kid i am - i did the same.

Nathan tells me that they had important things to do and that he was Venom and Luke was Spiderman and that I was Peter Parker cause i had glasses. i then told them that i wasn't peter parker, i told them I was The Jackal and that The Jackal was going to defeat Venom and Spiderman into going to sleep.

yeah well that didn't work - i got attacked from both sides and had to sit them down with me on the floor. i tried talking them into going to bed - i told them that The Jackal gets mean after midnight - then Luke asks who The Jackal is - this is where i should have cut it off.

but i didn't - i proceeded to tell them about other characters from the Spiderman comic series and what their powers were. i finally bored them to sleep around 12:45 and went to bed myself.

when i was getting ready this morning Luke told me that he wanted to be Spidercide cause he was friends with The Jackal - Luke is 3 and amazes me at the things he retains.

so yeah as far as fun goes - i am a good dad/uncle. but as far as responsibility goes i am not so sure. :P

I don't intentionally set out to sound depressing, it just always seems to head that way

i wrote this on Sunday morning - it sounds very hopeless - but really my thoughts are in a process of shifting.

all the champagne from the wedding and the beer from the open bar caught up with me. i fell asleep a little after 3:45, if my memory serves me correctly. i didn't even bother washing up or anything beforehand. i just stumbled into the bedroom, shut the door, stripped off my dress clothes and curled up on the couch.

i had a hard time going to sleep, so i went into the bathroom to take some Benadryl in the hopes that it would knock me out until a reasonable waking hour. when i came back into the bedroom (which is my mother's office) i switched off the lights and sprawled out on the couch to wait for the diphenhydramine to kick in.

as i lay there staring at the ceiling, i began notice the now fading glow-in-the-dark universe that was plastered across the ceiling. the stars were part of an art project and my mom took them and put them up. my eyes wandered back and forth across the ceiling as my mind slowly began to notice the particular locations of the various illuminated comets, stars and planets around the room. eventually my eyes were drawn to a familiar grouping of stars that were placed above the doorway to the bedroom. i climbed off the couch and made my way over to the corner of the room to take a closer look at the 'constellation' that was created. there before me, nearly as visible as on the day i created it, were the initials of my first real girlfriend, written out in a way that only i will ever be able to pick out.

as i stood there in the darkness, thinking back on all the twists and turns my romantic life has taken over the last few years. i climbed back into my makeshift bed and started thinking about what truth(s) i could pull from this brief stroll down memory lane.

of course i can't speak for everyone, but i am fairly sure that most people's love lives are relatively similar to my own. each and every one of us carries with us a collection of emotional relics that serve to remind us how much we have have learned (or haven't learned, in my case) since our last heartbreak. most of the time we aren't even aware that they are still with us, but they are. all it takes is one simple reminder to prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that regardless of how much personal growth we go through in any given period of time, the inner-workings of every romantic relationship we will ever take part in will always be essentially the same. eventually we will all get fucked over by someone we care about, or vice versa. at every given step of the way, heartbreak is always an unavoidable reality. you can't even intentionally avoid it. you can only change the way in which you deal with it, which isn't very reassuring. there are no absolutes in love, and there never will be. whatever is meant to happen is going to happen, and there isn't a fucking thing you can do to change it. and i think that's what bothers me so much about the whole fucking concept of love.

you've heard it a hundred time but then one day it has a whole new meaning

so i am a little obsessed with music - new and old. i am really into finding good covers that are obscure and well done. well i found one a few months ago by a guy named Obadiah Parker. it is an acoustic cover of Oukast's Hey Ya. well out of the 10,000+ songs on my iTunes - it was the song that was randomly selected just now.

i've heard the song 10,000 times but for some reason today the lyrics really jumped out at me. i always thought of it as a fun party song - but the lyrics are pretty intense and serious - or maybe i am just reading too much into things:

My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so
And this I know for sure
But does she really wanna
But can't stand to see me
Walk out the door
Don't try to fight the feeling
Because the thought alone is killing me right now
Thank god for mom and dad
For sticking two together
'Cause we don't know how.

Chorus:
And, Hey Ya
Hey Ya
Hey Ya
Hey Ya

You think you've got it
Ohh, you think you've got it
But got it just don't get it
Till' there's nothing at all.
We get together
Oh, we get together
But seperate's always better when there's feelings involved.
If what they say is "Nothing is forever"
Then what makes, Then what makes, Then what makes, Then what makes,
Love the exception?
So why you, why you
Why you, why you, why you are we so in denial
When we know we're not happy here


[Chorus]
And, Hey Ya
Hey Ya
Hey Ya
Hey Ya

Hey, alright now
Alright now fellas
Now what's cooler than being cool?
Ice Cold
I can't hear you
I say what's cooler than being cool?
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright,
Ok now ladies
And we gonna break this thing down in just a few seconds here
Now don't have me break it down for nothing
Now I wanna see y'all on y'alls baddest behavior
Lend me some sugar,
I am your neighbor

Shake it, shake, shake it, shake it
Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it,
Shake it, shake, shake it, shake it
Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it,
Shake it like a Polaroid picture
Shake it, shake, shake it, shake it
Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it,


[Chorus]
And, Hey Ya
Hey Ya
Hey Ya
Hey Ya

i always thought i was supposed to be shaking my ass when he said to shake it like a Polaroid picture - i think he intended for me to be shaking something else.

shy quiet still moments

tonight i went to the wedding of my dear; wonderful friends Bryce and KC. i have talked about it briefly in this blog - mostly for myself. cause really i don't think anyone reads this. well it was very interesting. i wasn't part of the wedding party. why Bryce didn't ask me - i don't know. and i really don't care. but it was interesting to be a spectator of sorts - as a guest only - not - family or part of the wedding party. i was just there to enjoy myself - if i could.

i watched the married couples - smiling at each other - remembering what is was like the day before they got married. most of them as happy or happier than that special day for them. then i look over at my ex who insisted on being there cause she was invited - just waiting for some snarky comment to come out. a few small quips were released but all in all i left her on her own. i went to hang out in the corner alone.

i watched little girls chasing little boys - already dreaming of the day they walk down the isle.

i watched the bridesmaids and the groomsmen talking - getting to know a little about each other, since most of them really hadn't ever met before this occasion.

then i watched Bryce and KC - putting on their smiles - giving out hugs - knowing what they were thinking and feeling; FINALLY the day is here - i can't wait to get it over with and get to Hawaii. this isn't an assumption - i really know this is how they are feeling.

then i started to look at the guy in the corner - alone - there were people at the table with him - but they all were frat brothers and were remincising about old times. he was there - taking the whole scene in.

he was realizing that after all he had been through - he still had 60 years left to start living again - he had divorced himself from the negative individuals. someday he would find the right people - people like him - people he didn't have to act around.

he sat there - smiling - with an old Jimmy Eat World song in his head - My Sundown

he got it - finally!

I see it around me, I see it in everything.
I could be so much more than this.
I said my goodbye's this is my sundown.
I'm gonna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I need you to show me the way from crazy.
I wanna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I could be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I could be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
Good goodbye lovely time.
Good goodbye tin sunshine.
Good goodbye I'll be fine.
Good goodbye, good goodnight.

because i love movie quotes

"Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks."

that is from Elizabethtown - another great movie that speaks to me.

speaking of movies that speak to me - i have decided to watch Last Kiss tonight to mentally prepare myself for Bryce and K.C.'s wedding.

tomorrow is going to be hard test - i know i can pass - the real question is do i want to?

of course you do brandon

right?

are these boots made for walking?

should i do it?

should i just say goodbye and walk away?

i am going to give myself a few hours to think about it.

but maybe all the little comments - maybe my internal reservations - maybe the fact i am unsure if the feelings are reciprocated - maybe it is all a hint to just go

i don't really want to - cause everything seemed so perfect - it's gong to hurt, bad - but i can only do so much before i just break.