the last 365 days of my life........
the last year (oct. 06 - oct. 07) has been the hardest year of my life. in exactly 5 hours from when i am typing this (10:52am) will be exactly a year from when my life completely changed.
that exact moment i heard the most beautiful sound i have ever heard - These Are the Days by 10,000 Maniacs lightly played as i heard my son let out his very first cry - take his very first breath - enter this world. i don't ever remember being so happy and so proud. at that very moment nothing else mattered.
i didn't care that i knew he would complicate things in my already failed marriage - i didn't care that outside in the waiting room were my family and friends who all had their own ideas of what was best for me in my life.
all i cared about was this tiny human who i would forever worry about and forever be responsible for - it was the first time in my life i felt truly vulnerable. while in the hospital things were easy - it was going home when the real world came back into focus.
my struggling marriage - my new position at work - the real responsibilities of being a father - the stress of being the sole breadwinner in a family - dealing with friends who wanted me to forget about my kid and just go back to living life with them.
all of those things i just mentioned above have made me a stronger, better person over the last year. it has taken me this long to realize it but they have.
my struggling marriage: i told myself that if this thing was going to work we had to try one last thing and have a child to make it better. yeah i fell into that trap. and i was so freaking wrong. the problem was more me than it was her. i just don't think i am fully capable of loving someone. my son doesn't count, cause that is a parental love and that bond is tight and unbreakable. but a romantic love - i just don't think i have it in me. i mean maybe i do - but i have found anyone to bring it out. we tried marriage counseling, i have been to personal counseling and the end result hasn't changed. we were great friends and horrible lovers. i felt like i was sort of rushed into marriage and just doing it to make her happy and to try and keep up with our "friends". i married a person who just didn't get me, who didn't understand sarcasm and juvenile behavior and music. MUSIC.....one of the most important things to me....how can some one who played flute and oboe for 7 some years not get music and love it? it is beyond me. i married my complete opposite and i told myself that it was okay cause if i married someone with similar interest then i wouldn't be happy. i was wrong. so now i get to deal with mediation and custody and shit like that. but let me make this point very clear. i do not regret it in the overall scheme of things. if i hadn't done it, i would never have Rhys. and he is the most amazing thing in this world.
my new position at work: right before Rhys was born i moved into an Sr. Art Director role at work. this was a huge step and a huge responsibility to take on right before having a kid. but work was my mistress and i was willing to devote the extra time to her to help this company get back on it's feet. well i didn't know that my boss was going to turn out to be a lazy bastard who had me do all his work and take credit for it. well i have made it through 2 layoffs and lost my boss and my VP and EVP. i also got a title demotion back down to Art Director but promised to be considered to be moved back up in 6 months. well i don't think that is going to happen now. i have turned down 5 offers from good retailers around the country in hopes that i would get promoted to a real Sr. AD. again i don't regret not leaving. i still have hope that there are good things in store for me here in TX.
dealing with friends who wanted me to forget about my kid and just go back to living life with them: i surrounded myself with the most immature selfish people who had no concept of responsibility. i tried leaving them but just kept walking back to them. well i finally shut them out of my life and told them that it was time for me to start over. i have been a lot happier since.
the last thing i want to talk about here is my incident in June - on Fathers Day. all the stresses i mentioned above got to me. and i drank a bottle of Makers Mark Whiskey and took a bottle of Vicodin. everyone thinks i tried to commit suicide - but it wasn't suicide it was just me trying to be numb. it was the dumbest things i have ever done - yet looking back it seemed so symbolic. it was at that moment that i realized i needed to start over with life. so in essence i did kill myself. it took me a while to rebuild the new me and i am still in the process of it - but things are beginning to make sense and take shape in my life and for once i feel truly happy.
i have no idea what the rest of this year (2007) has in store but i feel that relationships will slowly blossom and new friendships will be forged and i will begin to truly start living mylife.
thank you for the few who can read this. you all play an important role in my life.
that exact moment i heard the most beautiful sound i have ever heard - These Are the Days by 10,000 Maniacs lightly played as i heard my son let out his very first cry - take his very first breath - enter this world. i don't ever remember being so happy and so proud. at that very moment nothing else mattered.
i didn't care that i knew he would complicate things in my already failed marriage - i didn't care that outside in the waiting room were my family and friends who all had their own ideas of what was best for me in my life.
all i cared about was this tiny human who i would forever worry about and forever be responsible for - it was the first time in my life i felt truly vulnerable. while in the hospital things were easy - it was going home when the real world came back into focus.
my struggling marriage - my new position at work - the real responsibilities of being a father - the stress of being the sole breadwinner in a family - dealing with friends who wanted me to forget about my kid and just go back to living life with them.
all of those things i just mentioned above have made me a stronger, better person over the last year. it has taken me this long to realize it but they have.
my struggling marriage: i told myself that if this thing was going to work we had to try one last thing and have a child to make it better. yeah i fell into that trap. and i was so freaking wrong. the problem was more me than it was her. i just don't think i am fully capable of loving someone. my son doesn't count, cause that is a parental love and that bond is tight and unbreakable. but a romantic love - i just don't think i have it in me. i mean maybe i do - but i have found anyone to bring it out. we tried marriage counseling, i have been to personal counseling and the end result hasn't changed. we were great friends and horrible lovers. i felt like i was sort of rushed into marriage and just doing it to make her happy and to try and keep up with our "friends". i married a person who just didn't get me, who didn't understand sarcasm and juvenile behavior and music. MUSIC.....one of the most important things to me....how can some one who played flute and oboe for 7 some years not get music and love it? it is beyond me. i married my complete opposite and i told myself that it was okay cause if i married someone with similar interest then i wouldn't be happy. i was wrong. so now i get to deal with mediation and custody and shit like that. but let me make this point very clear. i do not regret it in the overall scheme of things. if i hadn't done it, i would never have Rhys. and he is the most amazing thing in this world.
my new position at work: right before Rhys was born i moved into an Sr. Art Director role at work. this was a huge step and a huge responsibility to take on right before having a kid. but work was my mistress and i was willing to devote the extra time to her to help this company get back on it's feet. well i didn't know that my boss was going to turn out to be a lazy bastard who had me do all his work and take credit for it. well i have made it through 2 layoffs and lost my boss and my VP and EVP. i also got a title demotion back down to Art Director but promised to be considered to be moved back up in 6 months. well i don't think that is going to happen now. i have turned down 5 offers from good retailers around the country in hopes that i would get promoted to a real Sr. AD. again i don't regret not leaving. i still have hope that there are good things in store for me here in TX.
dealing with friends who wanted me to forget about my kid and just go back to living life with them: i surrounded myself with the most immature selfish people who had no concept of responsibility. i tried leaving them but just kept walking back to them. well i finally shut them out of my life and told them that it was time for me to start over. i have been a lot happier since.
the last thing i want to talk about here is my incident in June - on Fathers Day. all the stresses i mentioned above got to me. and i drank a bottle of Makers Mark Whiskey and took a bottle of Vicodin. everyone thinks i tried to commit suicide - but it wasn't suicide it was just me trying to be numb. it was the dumbest things i have ever done - yet looking back it seemed so symbolic. it was at that moment that i realized i needed to start over with life. so in essence i did kill myself. it took me a while to rebuild the new me and i am still in the process of it - but things are beginning to make sense and take shape in my life and for once i feel truly happy.
i have no idea what the rest of this year (2007) has in store but i feel that relationships will slowly blossom and new friendships will be forged and i will begin to truly start living mylife.
thank you for the few who can read this. you all play an important role in my life.
posted by brandon at
10:52 AM
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