a transcription from my journal

i sit here at a loss - i sit here broken, frustrated and fucked up - almost beyond repair. but that's the magic of redemption - there is always room for repairs - but not everyone is a handyman - not everyone can just pick up the tools and do it yourself. they just lean on help and pick up the phone and call that handyman to come and fix them.

the problem with this is you slowly become less and less self reliant - you just expect the experts to swoop in a save you.

what happens when you can't afford the experts?

do you just give up - do you throw your hands in the air and just surrender?

or do you pick up what tools you do have and start fixing shit - calling friends to help where they can and with what tools life has equipped them with.

i never thought i would be in this place - this place of absolute self hatred and low confidence.

it's been a slow steady pace of bad luck and mistakes that have gotten me here. but i would have never expected to be 32, unemployed, a single father and homeless. i am concerned about my future - it's not quite what i was expecting. for once i can't plan - i can't dream. i am utterly just STUCK. and i sit here wondering if that has been my problem this whole time. planning too much - dreaming too much. letting my imagination overtake and create fantastical situations and then striving to create a false fantastical life.

that isn't what i ever wanted when i was growing up - plans - just the dreams and letting life take me where it wanted. but i always found myself in the same situation - striving to make everyone else around me happy - to walk on eggshells and never rock the boat. appeasing my audience - never shocking them - except for a few moments when i would freak out and do something impulsive to just make sure everyone knew i wasn't that predictable.

so here i sit - a man - a man who watched his "dream job" slip from his hands - i man who so fiercely wants to be independent but is tied down to too many anchors

for once i think i am being given the opportunity create a new path - or just finally walk down that path that i had originally wanted when i was little boy. a chance to do it my way - to do it without conviction - to start anew and build a life for my son that is excellent and foundation that is solid.

it's going to piss a lot of people off - many will not understand - but i have to pick up these broken pieces and build something different.

i have to quit being a boy and finally be a man - not for me - but for Rhys.

i have wanted to give up on everything so many times these last few months. but he has been my strength - he has been that light that has kept me sane.

few know me - sure many know of me - but hardly anyone really knows me. there are a few and those people knew me before i ever let them inside.

so this is it - this is my declaration of independence - some will applaud - most won't get it .

i don't care.

i want a new me - i want the real me.