it's finally here....

...the day that i have been dreading a little bit - yet a little excited for.

today at 3:00 my baby sister will walk down and aisle and marry a guy a barely know. a guy who i have quickly learned is perfect for her. i am not going to lie - i tried to talk her out of it. told her to wait - to experience life - get financially stable - all the responsible things. she is 21 years old - she has never left the country - she has never driven across the country - she hasn't had her heart broken by this world yet.

then

then it just hit me -

- she is going to have someone travel with and someone to be there when the world breaks her heart.

this whole process of preparing for her wedding has really made me realize that true love is completely blind - it has no boundaries. that inside of me there really is the ability to love.

she may only be 21 years old - but out of the 3 of us (me and my sisters) she is the most responsible and has the most level head on her shoulders. she is an amazing young woman and i am going to do my best not to cry today

but i am pretty sure that is impossible.

heres a confession: i'm in love with a man

what?

i'm in love with a man... a man named god. does that make me gay? am i gay for god?

you betcha.

i love this ridiculously huge smile on my face

seriously it is crazy - today has been a very odd day - but odd in the best of ways!

i drew some new doodles that were super cute and inspired by talking to Emily.

i got all my concepts approved for upcoming promotions

i am taking a staycation tomorrow

i was constantly distracted with witty banter and fun messages from everyone

but the things that really topped it off - was when Scott from the mail room stops by to deliver me a package.

it is the prints i ordered from Kurt Halsey 7 weeks ago and i am super excited.













le sigh - in the best of ways.

i really needed today

:D

sometimes i do silly things....

....like make new blogs

http://whatsocksamiwearingtoday.blogspot.com/

i love new discoveries

i just discovered the most wonderful soundtrack in a very long time. it is for a silly video game called Stubbs the Zombie.

i was watching the movie trailer for Jonathan Demme's new movie Rachel Getting Married - and i heard a cover of the old Buddy Holly classic "Everyday" by what sounded like Zach Rogue from Rogue Wave.

well after some quick research i discovered that sure enough it was Rogue Wave and they weren't the only great band doing old 50's covers.

1. Ben Kweller - "Lollipop"
2. The Raveonettes - "My Boyfriend's Back"
3. Death Cab for Cutie - "Earth Angel"
4. Rose Hill Drive - "Shakin' All Over"
5. Cake - "Strangers in the Night"
6. The Walkmen - "There Goes My Baby"
7. Rogue Wave - "Everyday"
8. The Dandy Warhols - "All I Have to Do Is Dream"
9. Oranger - "Mr. Sandman"
10. The Flaming Lips - "If I Only Had a Brain"
11. Clem Snide - "Tears on My Pillow"
12. Milton Mapes - "Lonesome Town"
13. Phantom Planet - "The Living Dead"

so i quickly headed over to iTunes and downloaded the album and i am seriously refrefreshed and in love with the Stubbs the Zombie Soundtrack

just for the record....

......i suck

i completely overlooked a very important person this morning and feel like total shit.


sigh


i need to refocus my mind.


sorry mom

i'm tired....

....I'm tired of seeing Men act like Boys.

that is a line from a tv show i secretly like - Grey's Anatomy. it was from an episode in 2006, but i wrote it down on a post-it and just found it. why did i write this down?

well

cause i myself am what you would call a manchild. i am what Meridith hates - a man who acts like a boy. i think there is a fine line between being a man who has a strong sense of humor and likes to have fun, and a man who is just juvenile and immature. sadly i have fallen into the category of the latter. i have been stuck there for a good 8 years now. irresponsible and arrogant, i would look at others like they were dull and an inferior. i had no qualms about being this way - my reaction was, if you don't like it; fuck you. but there you go - a very immature and selfish response.

i know deep down i didn't want to be this person - almost like it was a front. it was much easier to live life this way - people don't expect much from you when you are a man acting like a boy. so when i would come up with another decent accomplishment, others would see it as something amazing - when in reality it was just mediocre.

you see i didn't have a positive male role model in my life. i mean my dad showed up everyday of the first 18 years of my life, but he didn't exist in my life. he was a body that played all day and worked all night - forcing my mother to be the main model for what i should be as a person. i don't regret this - because my mother taught me what is is to be a gentleman and how women should be treated - and that lesson was invaluable. when my parents finally got divorced when i was 18 was probably one of the best and worst days for me. it was the best because i didn't have to see my mother hurt anymore. it was the worst cause it showed me how easy it is to walk away from commitments.

i met someone who sort of put me in my place before they ever really "knew" me. we had never spent time together at all really, but i made a comment that i was just a kid and didn't want to grow up (or something very close to that) - they quickly retorted "no, you're not" i can't forget that moment - inside a craft store with a somewhat stranger, who could see through my exterior and could see that was waiting inside. i really don't think i will ever forget that moment.

it was the start of another life change for me.

i went home that night and thought long and hard about what they said - i went and watched my son sleep and promised him that i would not teach him the same things my father taught me. it took some time to fully grasp what it was i was about to do - but over the last month it has been a work in progress. the last month i have been myself to everyone around. no more putting on an act to appease or entertain my crowd, i had to be the real Brandon.

now the real Brandon is still very juvenile in his behaviors, but he isn't immature. he has accepted full responsibility for his actions and is slowly progressing himself into a man.

i looked around and saw a world that i didn't like - a world that really didn't like me - i knew what i had to do, i wanted so much more than what i given to myself.

- i am in no way complete in this journey, and i may never reach my goal - but that doesn't mean i have to stop trying.

i have 3 simple, yet strong desires

1) to be the right male influence in my sons life
2) to always take care of the people who i love in one way or another
3) to inspire my son and nephew to be whatever it is they want to be

i am truly blessed to have met the new people in my life. i wish i would have known them years ago, but i am sort of glad i didn't. i have become better from my mistakes and these people wouldn't have stuck around or enabled me while i lived selfishly.

i don't know what suddenly brought on this moment of clarity - but i know what i have to do. the last time i did this - i called him an asshole. that was over 10 years ago. i have to call my dad. i have to tell him how i feel. right now i am not sure i can do this. it's going to be hard. i just thought about writing him a letter, but i know he needs to hear it audibly from me. i have to confront the dragon before i can ever defeat it.

brought to you by the letter "P"

this has been a really rough 12 days for me, but as the week came to a close things got better and a lot clearer.

i let myself get so high and caught up in new feelings and my head took over and didn't consult with my heart.

sometimes when things are out of whack it freaks us out a little bit and makes us feel like we are loosing something important so we get scared and we try really hard to hold onto whatever we think we are loosing and then we begin to hold on a little too hard.

that is where i was - i was trying to force something instead of letting it come naturally - i was beginning to ruin the special thing that i had started.

so all this being said - i want to say to myself that it is time to accept all these new changes in your life - and while you are excited - don't rush anything.

all in all the pain and frustration is beginning to turn into happiness and understanding.