planning a trip to Austin - maybe 3

so after a conversation i had Friday afternoon - i was ready to plan a trip to Austin ASAP. then i got a reminder on my phone this morning that David Sedaris is going to be at Bookpeople on June 19th and i did go through a lot of trouble to get a voucher so that is 1 trip i know i am making soon.

i haven't been to Austin in about 3 months and i think that might be too long - definately need to get back there with my camera. a year ago last week i was going to Austin every other weekend - i think that habit might need to start back up.

also of course ACL this morning i decided against the VIP passes - despite how cool and convenient it would be - i would feel like a real douchebag buying a VIP pass and trying to pretend to be a pretentious music snob.

i am in a really weird and feisty mood tonight

so i worked for 14 hours today - this happens cause i am a workaholic and cause i really don't have anything to go home to - it's wednesday - Lost and Last Comic Standing don't come on until thursday.

so yeah today

we had major layoffs today - 40 people total 7 people from my department. while i know the move was the right one - and i an responsible for 3 of the people being let go - i still had a really stressful day. basically i spent most of my day telling people their jobs were safe and then trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. so by the time 4:00 hit i was finally ready to start working.

i wouldn't have stayed lat but i had my final comps approved by my VP and CEO and wanted to have everything ready to hand off to the new team first thing in the morning.

anyhew

my whole point in telling you this is - once 4:00 hit i just started feeling silly. i was talking to myself in silly voices and humming the theme to sanford and son. by the time i left my office and got to my car i had this great idea for a silly story - i made it all up on the drive home and well you can read it below.

2 items of weirdness

2 Items Of Weirdness

i have this tendency to do weird things that only i would enjoy and if i tried to tell one of my friends about it they would simply give me an awkward stare and walk away(which has happened before). so why not share my strange behavior that's probably either a cry for help or the beginnings of suicidal/homicidal rage with the internet?

Item#1
at work, i'm surrounded by paper clips. my job and the jobs of those around me demand alot of paper clips as a regular part of an efficient, functional work day. recently i started taking a handful of paper clips and unbending them except for one end which now makes the paper clip look like a skinny "L". i have an example of what the paper clips look like in a picture below. *note-bullets aren't included in the activity i engage in. this is just the best pic i could find on Google.


Paper clip next to bullet

anyhew, i unbend these paper clips (usually about 20 a day) and when i step outside, i throw them onto the ground in random directions as i'm walking around or walking to my car or to where ever.

why do i do this?

well, if i do 20 paper clips a day, that's 100 unbent paper clips in the parking lot a week. 400 a month. 4800 a year. eventually, people will begin to notice that the parking lot is littered with these unbent paper clips all bent the same way. imagine you're a friendly, happy worker on your way to your car to go home and you suddenly notice that the grounds are littered with unbent paper clips. it would cause mass confusion in that person and it would probably stick to his head for the rest of the week. all because someone he's never met decided that he was bored with his life.

item #2
on my way home from work i stopped off at a 7-11 to pick up some provisions (ready made magazine and water) and a panhandler approached me to see if i had a quarter. for some reason or another i began talking like space ghost. this is (roughly) the exchange between himself and me.

panhandler: hey man, i'm sorry to bug you but do you have a quarter you can spare?

me: sorry citizen but sadly i do not. i apologize for the lack of transaction but you see, i'm freshly out of the government's mint. however i do have a piece of plastic that will allow me the purchase of goods and services.

panhandler: ok...thanks.

me: so long and farewell.

i'm not quite sure why i did this. i think i just needed to laugh about it later and share it in this blog.

brandon still has a job

i survived the 3rd round of major layoffs in my department. i was also told that i am really liked and i do a fantastic job and that i am important.


while i know it is all lip service -


- i really just want to ask - what the hell is going on?


okay back to being creative and making money i don't deserve.

a work in progress - notes

- i met a man today as he exited a clinic
- thick tears dropped off his weathered face
- he looked into my soul and smiled
- "i'm dying, it's a growth on the brain"
- i reached for him
- he grabbed my hand and shook it
- "today i will chase the sun, tomorrow i will shine"
- i couldn't help but cry
- he squeezed my hand and pulled me to his chest
- "these are tears of joy my new friend"
- "but i don't understand"
- "don't weep for me, for now my life begins"
- with those final words he walked into the fading dusk
- "you already know how this will end"

inspired free writing

with a resounding blow i land an uppercut to your heart

while my fist were never clinched and my arms never raised

the words i spoke tore open your flesh and the blood ran quick

this wound i created can not be mended my stitches will always break

the desperation of my regret is a piercing retaliation

i said "i miss you" what i mean was "i hate your fucking face"

the day we met two hurricanes intersected

it was only a matter of time before self inflicted destruction

happiness isn't about perfection it's a slow patient understanding

an open letter to a stranger

Dear Scary Lesbian At the Supermarket,

when you dropped your change on the floor while paying for your food items at the check out counter and then bent over to pick it up exposing the very bottom of your extremely hairy back; it took every bit of strength in me not to vomit on your bags of various potato chips and box of Franzia wine you had strewn across the counter top.

i would like to have that horrifying memory erased from my brain and i would like for you to pay for it as reasonable compensation. otherwise, i will be forced to take legal action....

sincerely,

brandon

new art for me and the lady of my dreams

so i just bought two Kurt Halsey prints this morning.

i have been eyeing them both for a long while now - there was just something about them that resonated within me. looking at them always gave me hope that there was someone out there that would "get" me and i wouldn't have to compromise for.

it seems these days it's so easy to settle and just accept 50% 70% good - but that's not what i am wanting - i am wanting 100% or damn near close - i know perfection is impossible - hell perfection would probably be just as bad 10% good. i am wanting imperfectly perfect.

i know it's probably an impossible order and everyone tells me that i am too picky and i will never be with anyone cause i have set the bar too high - i just refuse to believe it - i don't need to settle to be happy - i don't need anyone besides my friends and my son to make me happy

i want another happy person to share happy lives together - not looking to complete myself - looking to compliment myself.

yeah ok i am done with the clichés

anyhew

the point of this post is i bought these two prints because of how they make me feel - and i plan to one day give one of them to someone cause i think they deserve to share in what i love and i am passionate about?

she's out there - and i am not rushing anything to find her.

you know people called me stupid and crazy when i decided to put on a suit and stand on this red beam over a body of water until the day i die. i mean, can you believe that? this has been the greatest career move i've ever made!!!! i've been standing on this red beam over a body of water wearing a suit now for 10 years and life could not be any better. i've been featured in several business periodicals and i was also interviewed by Kelly Wells, co-anchor of "Good Morning St. Louis". Nnow that's what you call success. i wouldn't have been interviewed by a regional Emmy nominee if i was still working as a cashier at the gay porno shop, would i? i thought so.

life sure is sweet. when a class of 6th graders came out to visit me for a speech i was giving, i looked at those bright youngsters and said, "There's a man that wears a suit and stands on a red beam over a body of water in all of us." and i stand by that, through and through. even though i'm slightly mal-nourished and i stand a good chance of having a massive stroke, i think i can safely say that wearing a suit and standing on a red beam over a body of water day in and day out is like the top of the mountain. enjoy your cubicle, suckers!!!!

what i have learned

- even though I don't typically drink them - a person who can make a great martini is a person i can trust with my life.

- there's a lot of interesting and great music out there that's not under contract with a major record label. it takes some effort to seek this music out which is why lazy people listen to music they hear on the FM Top 40. stay away from these people.

- i like to read novels about drugs yet i don't do drugs. unless you count alcohol, nicotine and caffeine as a drug.

- the best way to know and understand someone that's different from you is to jump right into their world.

- don't over analyze Bush and the war. just know that soon his tyranny shall end.

- i learned that doing the things you truly love to do takes commitment and consistency and it's rare that you profit from it. unless you love accounting or something.

- if you're a woman and like the rock band Pavement or potentially could like the rock band Pavement and/or have a British accent, it's virtually guaranteed that i will fall in love with you.

-it's not "you're only as old as you feel". it's "you're only as old as your body makes you feel." which means i occasionally feel like a 60 year old man.

- the mid-20's is by far the hardest time of your life. it's a time where you're discovering who you really are. it's a time where you start to see who you'll really be for the rest of your life. it's a time where you make less money than someone older than you and yet you both do the same job. the only reason that older person makes more money is because they supposedly have "experience".

- those that have power in the world of religion are the ones making this world a bad place.

- always seek out the interesting people. they're the ones who drink dark ale and/or scotch at the bar.

craisins

some fridays i like to eat craisins. that's right the raisin is back! in cranberry form!!! whether on the beach, necking with your ladyfriend, riding a tandem bicycle with your ladyfriend or sharing another man with your ladyfriend, craisins make for a great tasty low-calorie snack on the go!!!

when my wife left me, took my children away from me and more importantly my possessions, the only thing i had left in my life was craisins. i took craisins with me to hell and back through a machiavellian snake pit of alliances and deceit. when i was at my lowest and a tranny was easing the knife out of my vomit stained torso, the only thing i had to look forward to was death and craisins. fortunately i ate so many craisins, my wound was sealed shut by the clogging. the doctors said it was a miracle something that delicious could provide for a perfect sealant.

and now, i take craisins with me anywhere i go. yesterday i sold my car because the cult i'm joining says i no longer need earthly possessions where i'm going. the salesman bought my k-car for an extra $20 because i offered him a handful of craisins!!! i then used that extra $20 for one last round with the aforementioned tranny before shaving my head and heading to the hills to meet the master who will lead us to the happy comet...

thanks craisins!!!!!!!!!