a fatherly facade

today is my 4th fathers day - and it's hard. it's so fucking hard today. i don't have Rhys so that's part of it, but i am also just at a low point with my career, my personal life - it's hard not reflect on my mistakes and misfortunes.

but

there is one thing that i am 100% confident that i have been successful at and that's being a dad. i never ever imagined that i could love something so much - so fierce. it is such a remarkable and unexplainable feeling to look down and see this being that you created - that fills your life with so much joy and delight - that all you want to do is reward their life in the same manner. i don't care what happens to me in life - i will die fighting to be the best father and the best friend to my son.

but in that exact order - father first and friend second - my dad had it backwards - he just tried being my friend but was not a father. and i am consistently haunted by this demon that tears at my soul and at times rips it apart.

this is time where i let my guard down and put away the facade that i create more often than not. this is me 100% honest and true

i am extremely insecure - i am scared of honesty - i force myself into trouble because i am terrified of actually being successful.

and as i have become a man and become more cognizant of the type of man i am developing into - i realize that i am dangerously straddling the fence of failure as a father - the failure that my dad was - he failed me as a father - he didn't teach me responsibility, he didn't teach me consequence, what he taught me is how to be charming and liked by everyone.

and what makes today so hard - isn't the fact that i don't have my son - it's the fact that i can't call my dad and tell him i love him and thank him for being such a great dad - but i sit here and struggle with my feelings because while he failed me - he still loved me and because of that i can not hate this man - as much as i want to - i can't.

so what am i going to do? i am going to call him and i am going to tell him happy fathers day. i am going to get over myself and face this fucking demon that has so viciously haunted me for the past 12 years.

being a father isn't right - it's a privilege and it's a responsibility and i thank God for the opportunity to mold and shape the future of a little boy and help turn him into a man who is honest and accountable.