and just like that, everything has changed
UNLIKE MOST OF MY SILLY STORIES - THIS ONE REALLY HAPPENED
you always hear about people claiming to have had "life-changing" experiences. most of them make the assertion that these pivotal events drastically altered their perceptions of reality and imparted upon them a newfound appreciation for life. up until today, i had always found these claims to be utterly preposterous and probably total horse-shit. well, this morning i had one of my own. today, West Belknap became my road to Damascus.
i was driving to work when i was stopped at a red light along the way. for those of you who aren’t aware; traffic lights in downtown Ft. Worth are abundant. it isn’t uncommon to find yourself sitting at each and every one for 3 - 4 minutes. anyway, as i was sitting there, i observed a late 90s model ford ranger pickup pull up behind me and come to a stop.
my eyes were instantly drawn to the driver of the vehicle. sitting behind the wheel was a gentleman, most likely in his early 30s, wearing a bicycle helmet. now, this wasn’t simply a case of an individual haphazardly tossing a safety helmet onto his head while climbing into an automobile. this thing was buckled under his chin, and that only happens intentionally. which indicates that he actually wanted it atop his head while he drove.
as i’m staring at this guy, trying to figure out why on earth he would have a bicycle helmet on his head inside of a moving vehicle, i realize that he and his wife1 are both eating breakfast in the cab of the truck. but they weren’t eating granola bars, pop tarts or croissan’wiches; they were eating bowls of fucking cereal. read that last sentence to yourself one more time. let it sink in. bicycle helmet man and his wife were having cereal, with milk, in their truck, together, at 7:45 in the morning. oh. my. god.
my entire life up until that exact moment in time instantaneously became completely and utterly meaningless. the planets came into alignment, the universe achieved momentary harmony, the heavens were opened up and i saw the face of god. this was the single greatest moment in the history of human existence. the rise and fall of the Roman empire, the treaty of Versailles, Hank Aaron breaking Babe Ruth’s all-time home run record, the splitting of the atom, the Beatles breaking up – all pale in comparison to this.
my reason for living has been redefined. i have to live in a world where people like this exist. they fall in love, honeymoon, have children, attend PTA meetings and, ultimately, grow old together. knowing that this guy and his wife are flying down the highway at 7:45 in the morning while simultaneously enjoying bowls of captain crunch cereal, makes me feel like my own life has substance. i understand what it all means now. life’s big questions have been answered. birth and death are inconsequential. what matters is the here-and-fucking-now. why waste your time trying to achieve the status quo? if you want to eat cereal, with milk, in your car as you drive to work in the morning, then fucking do it. screw what society thinks. live your own damn life.
can you imagine the events that must have taken place to cause this man to want to wear a bicycle helmet while driving? i can just picture him sitting in front of his computer, printing off page after page of safety specifications for 1998 edition ford rangers, when suddenly it hits him. he tears off the sheet emerging from the printer and races out into the living room to speak with his wife. “fuck everything! fuck j.d. power and associates! fuck side impact safety ratings! fuck passenger-side air bags! fuck the national highway traffic safety administration! and, most importantly, fuck the ford motor company! none of these sons of bitches have done enough to ensure the safety of my head in a high-speed traffic accident! i’m not buying into their bullshit any longer.” *dramatic pause* “take me to the wal-mart, i’m need to get a bicycle helmet.”2 his wife looks up. she doesn’t ask any questions. she simply says, “ok.” the understanding. the connection. the oneness. my god, it’s breathtaking.
even better still, what about the first night they stayed together? he probably picked her up from the airport (you know, since she was flying in to consummate a relationship that had only existed through yahoo! messenger and Ok Cupid up until that point). they went out for dinner. the conversation was good. senses were heightened. they skipped out on dessert in order to get home in time for the last 30 minutes of Stargate SG1. tension mounted as the episode crept towards its electrifying3 end. the soft flickering of the muted television set the background for their first intimate encounter. things progressed. they moved to the bedroom. hours flew by as the two of them relieved 53 collective years of pent-up sexual frustration. in the heated sensual struggle, neither of them remembered to set the alarm clock. she wakes up the following morning and, realizing that her flight back to Des Moines departs in a little under 2 hours, shakes him awake and then proceeds to begin frantically packing her suitcase. he gets up, pulls on his trousers and heads for the kitchen. she finishes packing and runs out to find him pouring himself a bowl of frosted flakes.
“what are you doing? we have to leave right now!”
“i know,” he calmly responds.
“but you’ve just poured yourself a bowl of cereal! there isn’t enough time for you to finish it! we have to leave right this moment!”
“i know. i’m taking it with me.” and just like that, her existence was turned upside down. her eyes were opened to a brave new world that she had only previously read about in books. she fell in love.
people like this couple exist. they actually fucking exist. because i now know this, i understand one crucial thing that had never occurred to me before – even i can’t fuck my own life up to the point where i wind up bitter and alone. if a man who wears a child’s safety helmet on his head while driving can find himself a bride that shares his passion for milk and cereal in a moving vehicle, then i sure as hell can find someone. no matter how many relationships i send down the toilet, or how much more obsessive-compulsive i get as the years go on, or how drastically i want to change careers every 3 years, eventually i will find someone who gets me. life just works that way. it has to. the cosmic forces of the universe are pushing us all towards balanced harmony, regardless of how overtly strange we are. there is hope for us all.
this couple has shattered everything that i thought i knew. everything. god, life, death, heaven, hell, why nick drake’s music went so unappreciated until long after his death; it all makes sense now. my god. it’s beautiful.
someone needs to come over tonight and get drunk with me. we'll theorize about anything and everything.
1. oh, dear god, please let this have been his wife. i need to believe that these two individuals have pledged to love and cherish one another for their remainder of their natural-born lives.
2. odds are, he isn’t nearly as angry and militant as i have made him out to be. though, one can dream.
3. absolutely nothing about Stargate SG1 should ever be classified as ‘electrifying.’
you always hear about people claiming to have had "life-changing" experiences. most of them make the assertion that these pivotal events drastically altered their perceptions of reality and imparted upon them a newfound appreciation for life. up until today, i had always found these claims to be utterly preposterous and probably total horse-shit. well, this morning i had one of my own. today, West Belknap became my road to Damascus.
i was driving to work when i was stopped at a red light along the way. for those of you who aren’t aware; traffic lights in downtown Ft. Worth are abundant. it isn’t uncommon to find yourself sitting at each and every one for 3 - 4 minutes. anyway, as i was sitting there, i observed a late 90s model ford ranger pickup pull up behind me and come to a stop.
my eyes were instantly drawn to the driver of the vehicle. sitting behind the wheel was a gentleman, most likely in his early 30s, wearing a bicycle helmet. now, this wasn’t simply a case of an individual haphazardly tossing a safety helmet onto his head while climbing into an automobile. this thing was buckled under his chin, and that only happens intentionally. which indicates that he actually wanted it atop his head while he drove.
as i’m staring at this guy, trying to figure out why on earth he would have a bicycle helmet on his head inside of a moving vehicle, i realize that he and his wife1 are both eating breakfast in the cab of the truck. but they weren’t eating granola bars, pop tarts or croissan’wiches; they were eating bowls of fucking cereal. read that last sentence to yourself one more time. let it sink in. bicycle helmet man and his wife were having cereal, with milk, in their truck, together, at 7:45 in the morning. oh. my. god.
my entire life up until that exact moment in time instantaneously became completely and utterly meaningless. the planets came into alignment, the universe achieved momentary harmony, the heavens were opened up and i saw the face of god. this was the single greatest moment in the history of human existence. the rise and fall of the Roman empire, the treaty of Versailles, Hank Aaron breaking Babe Ruth’s all-time home run record, the splitting of the atom, the Beatles breaking up – all pale in comparison to this.
my reason for living has been redefined. i have to live in a world where people like this exist. they fall in love, honeymoon, have children, attend PTA meetings and, ultimately, grow old together. knowing that this guy and his wife are flying down the highway at 7:45 in the morning while simultaneously enjoying bowls of captain crunch cereal, makes me feel like my own life has substance. i understand what it all means now. life’s big questions have been answered. birth and death are inconsequential. what matters is the here-and-fucking-now. why waste your time trying to achieve the status quo? if you want to eat cereal, with milk, in your car as you drive to work in the morning, then fucking do it. screw what society thinks. live your own damn life.
can you imagine the events that must have taken place to cause this man to want to wear a bicycle helmet while driving? i can just picture him sitting in front of his computer, printing off page after page of safety specifications for 1998 edition ford rangers, when suddenly it hits him. he tears off the sheet emerging from the printer and races out into the living room to speak with his wife. “fuck everything! fuck j.d. power and associates! fuck side impact safety ratings! fuck passenger-side air bags! fuck the national highway traffic safety administration! and, most importantly, fuck the ford motor company! none of these sons of bitches have done enough to ensure the safety of my head in a high-speed traffic accident! i’m not buying into their bullshit any longer.” *dramatic pause* “take me to the wal-mart, i’m need to get a bicycle helmet.”2 his wife looks up. she doesn’t ask any questions. she simply says, “ok.” the understanding. the connection. the oneness. my god, it’s breathtaking.
even better still, what about the first night they stayed together? he probably picked her up from the airport (you know, since she was flying in to consummate a relationship that had only existed through yahoo! messenger and Ok Cupid up until that point). they went out for dinner. the conversation was good. senses were heightened. they skipped out on dessert in order to get home in time for the last 30 minutes of Stargate SG1. tension mounted as the episode crept towards its electrifying3 end. the soft flickering of the muted television set the background for their first intimate encounter. things progressed. they moved to the bedroom. hours flew by as the two of them relieved 53 collective years of pent-up sexual frustration. in the heated sensual struggle, neither of them remembered to set the alarm clock. she wakes up the following morning and, realizing that her flight back to Des Moines departs in a little under 2 hours, shakes him awake and then proceeds to begin frantically packing her suitcase. he gets up, pulls on his trousers and heads for the kitchen. she finishes packing and runs out to find him pouring himself a bowl of frosted flakes.
“what are you doing? we have to leave right now!”
“i know,” he calmly responds.
“but you’ve just poured yourself a bowl of cereal! there isn’t enough time for you to finish it! we have to leave right this moment!”
“i know. i’m taking it with me.” and just like that, her existence was turned upside down. her eyes were opened to a brave new world that she had only previously read about in books. she fell in love.
people like this couple exist. they actually fucking exist. because i now know this, i understand one crucial thing that had never occurred to me before – even i can’t fuck my own life up to the point where i wind up bitter and alone. if a man who wears a child’s safety helmet on his head while driving can find himself a bride that shares his passion for milk and cereal in a moving vehicle, then i sure as hell can find someone. no matter how many relationships i send down the toilet, or how much more obsessive-compulsive i get as the years go on, or how drastically i want to change careers every 3 years, eventually i will find someone who gets me. life just works that way. it has to. the cosmic forces of the universe are pushing us all towards balanced harmony, regardless of how overtly strange we are. there is hope for us all.
this couple has shattered everything that i thought i knew. everything. god, life, death, heaven, hell, why nick drake’s music went so unappreciated until long after his death; it all makes sense now. my god. it’s beautiful.
someone needs to come over tonight and get drunk with me. we'll theorize about anything and everything.
1. oh, dear god, please let this have been his wife. i need to believe that these two individuals have pledged to love and cherish one another for their remainder of their natural-born lives.
2. odds are, he isn’t nearly as angry and militant as i have made him out to be. though, one can dream.
3. absolutely nothing about Stargate SG1 should ever be classified as ‘electrifying.’
posted by brandon at
9:55 AM
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