Saturday, February 24, 2007

it's always the people who make you warm

thing have been really tough lately. every this is ebb and flow - i just can't seem to wrap my arms around any feelings.

i have so many people come in and walk out of my life. but there is always one who when i talk to her, when i see a message from her i smile and have a little hope.

i am sure i will fuck it up at some point. but she just seems to be a constant when it comes to feelings.

lets call her sally - our conversations are always full of sarcasm and she brings out the parts of myself that i really like. i have reservations, big reservations but they are all reservations about myself. i just need to stop expecting the worse and just take a leap of faith.

i don't know i guess we will see.

Monday, February 12, 2007

living vicariously through my favorite book

much of the world has managed to tame me - i am constantly at the mercy of it's beauty - the delicate friendships, how strong they have grown - conflict, how much it has nudged me to wrath, but to no avail - i am at the very short end of the stick - but i am far to clever and pure of heart to lose sight now.

i identify so much with the prince - world of isolation, he makes due, he is content

a tiny planet that he loves and tends to - so innocent, so pure

as i write this i sit outside - alone - wishing a small fox would appear from the darkness by the tree - and ask me questions he already know the answer to - asking me to tame in while at the same time taming myself

today i understand that my mother is a weak minded individual and created the pushover that i was and decided my father might not be a completely evil heartless worm - but he was in no way a father - i think i might have raised him not the other way around

i decided from then on that they were not my parents in any way, they had simply given me food and clothes


-----------


It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning" said the fox.

"Good morning" the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here" the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," the fox said.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince, "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said, "I am not tamed."

"Ah please excuse me," said the little prince. But after some thought, he added: "What does that mean--'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox,

"What is it you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince.

"What does that mean--tame?"

"Men,"said the fox, "they have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean--tame?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."

"To establish ties?"

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower . . . I think she has tamed me . . . "

"It is possible," said the fox. "On earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the earth!" said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious. "On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on that planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox. But he came back to his idea. "My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. The fox hearing the sound of a step that is different from all the other steps All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . . "

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . . "

"What must I do, to tame you? asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . . "

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If for example, you came at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . . "

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour different from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . . "

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made a friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said. "Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose---" said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . . "

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

reading of the will

today was the reading of Blair's will.

it was a very lengthy message from him. his words to me still send chills down my spine, hours later. i hope the chills never cease.

Brandon, I first want to quote one of your literary heroes. Hemingway said "Courage is grace under pressure". I never want you to forget that. I want you to keep those words with you at all times. I saved you for last because I want to make a very important point. You always put people first and this shall be the final time you are left to be last. You and I shared some of the most intimate of secrets. I knew you hearts desires you knew mine. I don't think there is anyone else in this universe that would know what to do with me. That being said, I am placing the burden of my remains on you. I think you are the only person who will know the right time and the right place. I believe in you my friend, not just with this task, but in life. You are a truly gifted person in your abilities and your soul. Never let your words cease. Lastly, do not edit yourself in life. Be you, not what anyone else wants you to be. You've put on so many faces to appease your audience. Your life no longer needs to be a work of fiction it needs to be a dramatic and compelling biography.

so that was my part.

my mind is blown.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

??????????

what would i have to change. who do you need me to be
to slip into your arms; to make sweet love to me.

shall i climb the highest cliff; do i need to scour the ocean floor
slither over broken glass - would you demand i do more?

could you take me as i am, with my issues and my flaws
pull me to your chest without a hesitation or a pause?

slide your hungry tongue between my parted lips.
run your anxious fingers along my quivering hips.

wrap me in your passion, expose your every need.
press your steamy lips to mine, every secret freed.

sprinkle your tears across my cheek, confess every desire
moan my name, call me yours, and set my soul on fire.

need me more with every breath that slips into your chest,
please me nightly, miss me daily, never compare me with the rest.

grip my wrists; look in my eyes, and say the words i long to hear
kiss me roughly, and weep my name, forever hold me dear.

do i ask for wishes that could never quite come true?
is my sin, my greatest fault, that i can't stop thiking of you?