living vicariously

i find myself always chasing and yearning to be something that i don't think i could ever be - and that is a musician - i sit and watch videos, go to concerts, listen to live recordings - and find myself wishing i could lay my fingers down on some ivory keys and write a song for every season.

but i can't - doesn't mean i'm going to stop dreaming and wishing - cause i won't - but i will admit i find myself hoping and wishing that Rhys will find the music within him - i always wanted to play a guitar - bang on some drums - play a piano but my family simply didn't have the time nor the means to make that happen for me. what they did have the time and the means for were sports - i was never good at sports - those of you who know me well know that my coordination is atrocious

if Rhys wants to play sports he will play sports - if he wants to play an instrument - i will provide one to him by any means necessary - if he wants to paint - then awesome - i can't hold on to a hope and a dream for my son so that i might be able to live vicariously through him.

what i do want is to find my own music within myself so that i might be able to provide greater direction and interest to my son.

this brings me to my last question/statement - i've been so busy living vicariously through others that i have neglected to simply realize that maybe there is someone out there living vicariously through me.

that scares the shit out of me.

it's always in the small details

as i end this week - i realize that everything we really need to know is in the small details.

the way someone looks at you when they make a statement

the way they curve the lines of their "A's"

the way they sigh after trying to be honest with you

i am glad the week is over and i am sort of ready for the holidays to be over and the new year to start.

i really feel that awesome and positive things are right around the corner - resting on the horizon - waiting for my approach.

there were so many people who just wanted to accept me at face value but take me for everything i had to give. no more - someone who really cares about me is going to be just that - someone who really cares about me.

i was so worried about letting people in my life - i was restrictive and selective and can't say i have always made the best decisions but i know there are a handful of people who walked into my life in 2008 that i am confident will never ever leave.

i love those people dearly.

i love being a dad.......

....but today was rough.

i can't believe it has been a month since i have updated this - i got so busy writing in another blog and this got neglected - as i write this "i jut love you" by Five for Fighting plays.

i won't neglect this blog for a month again - i can maintain multiple blogs.

back to today - my mom watched Rhys last night - and apparently she had a lot of trouble with him and gave in to him being a lil' monster - which is fine - he just didn't get much sleep - so he was a big monster today.

i have always been good at refocusing Rhys onto something else but today he just wanted to cling to me - it was heartwarming and sweet most of the day but near the end of the day - it really wore on me.

i had to put him down to do somethings and he just melted down - i went to pick him up and he just pushed me away - that was the first he ever did that - like he was holding a grudge for me putting him down - my heart broke.

bathtime went very well and he was quiet and sweet while we read books before bed - he closed his last book and hugged me - i knew he was ready for bed - he turned out the light and i sat and rocked him in the dark - he wrapped his little arms around my neck and held tightly - his chest against mine -----

i lost it

i tried my hardest to hold the tears in - but i couldn't - they just fell like a great torrent - i tried to muffle the sniffles - but it was so hard - Rhys then grabbed the back of my neck and rubbed the back of my neck - as if to tell me that it was ok.

i never knew i could love something this much

i don't know why i am so emotional tonight - maybe it's just everything catching up to me - maybe it is cause the last 5 weeks i have opened up my life in a way i swore i would never do - whatever it is - i don't mind it at all - writing this helps - but i want nothing more to go and grab my son and hold him and never let him go.

i am grateful to have such a wonderful and brilliant child - since i haven't updated this in over a month that means i never did a thanksgiving post - so here is what i am thankful for.

i am thankful for such a wonderful son who makes me proud every day

i am thankful to a family that drives me so crazy that i can't help but love them

i am thankful for my friends - the ones who really know me and know what i need - i couldn't imagine my life without them

even the ones who are so lost in their own ego they are letting life pass them by, but even some of them redeem themselves a bit - thank you Kaycie you did me a favor and gave me a gift that i'm not sure i deserve - but i am going to cherish forever

im thankful for my job but as much as i love it - im beginning to let go of it a little and live my life a little.

i need to stop here to i am going to short out my keyboard with tears

:)

not sure any of this made sense to anyone but i had to get it out.

She's lost in my arms Her head on my heart And softly she whispers the words
I,I just Love You - I Don't Know Why, I Just Do.....I'll never stop being amazed - how my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say