living vicariously

i find myself always chasing and yearning to be something that i don't think i could ever be - and that is a musician - i sit and watch videos, go to concerts, listen to live recordings - and find myself wishing i could lay my fingers down on some ivory keys and write a song for every season.

but i can't - doesn't mean i'm going to stop dreaming and wishing - cause i won't - but i will admit i find myself hoping and wishing that Rhys will find the music within him - i always wanted to play a guitar - bang on some drums - play a piano but my family simply didn't have the time nor the means to make that happen for me. what they did have the time and the means for were sports - i was never good at sports - those of you who know me well know that my coordination is atrocious

if Rhys wants to play sports he will play sports - if he wants to play an instrument - i will provide one to him by any means necessary - if he wants to paint - then awesome - i can't hold on to a hope and a dream for my son so that i might be able to live vicariously through him.

what i do want is to find my own music within myself so that i might be able to provide greater direction and interest to my son.

this brings me to my last question/statement - i've been so busy living vicariously through others that i have neglected to simply realize that maybe there is someone out there living vicariously through me.

that scares the shit out of me.