i'm tired....
....I'm tired of seeing Men act like Boys.
that is a line from a tv show i secretly like - Grey's Anatomy. it was from an episode in 2006, but i wrote it down on a post-it and just found it. why did i write this down?
well
cause i myself am what you would call a manchild. i am what Meridith hates - a man who acts like a boy. i think there is a fine line between being a man who has a strong sense of humor and likes to have fun, and a man who is just juvenile and immature. sadly i have fallen into the category of the latter. i have been stuck there for a good 8 years now. irresponsible and arrogant, i would look at others like they were dull and an inferior. i had no qualms about being this way - my reaction was, if you don't like it; fuck you. but there you go - a very immature and selfish response.
i know deep down i didn't want to be this person - almost like it was a front. it was much easier to live life this way - people don't expect much from you when you are a man acting like a boy. so when i would come up with another decent accomplishment, others would see it as something amazing - when in reality it was just mediocre.
you see i didn't have a positive male role model in my life. i mean my dad showed up everyday of the first 18 years of my life, but he didn't exist in my life. he was a body that played all day and worked all night - forcing my mother to be the main model for what i should be as a person. i don't regret this - because my mother taught me what is is to be a gentleman and how women should be treated - and that lesson was invaluable. when my parents finally got divorced when i was 18 was probably one of the best and worst days for me. it was the best because i didn't have to see my mother hurt anymore. it was the worst cause it showed me how easy it is to walk away from commitments.
i met someone who sort of put me in my place before they ever really "knew" me. we had never spent time together at all really, but i made a comment that i was just a kid and didn't want to grow up (or something very close to that) - they quickly retorted "no, you're not" i can't forget that moment - inside a craft store with a somewhat stranger, who could see through my exterior and could see that was waiting inside. i really don't think i will ever forget that moment.
it was the start of another life change for me.
i went home that night and thought long and hard about what they said - i went and watched my son sleep and promised him that i would not teach him the same things my father taught me. it took some time to fully grasp what it was i was about to do - but over the last month it has been a work in progress. the last month i have been myself to everyone around. no more putting on an act to appease or entertain my crowd, i had to be the real Brandon.
now the real Brandon is still very juvenile in his behaviors, but he isn't immature. he has accepted full responsibility for his actions and is slowly progressing himself into a man.
i looked around and saw a world that i didn't like - a world that really didn't like me - i knew what i had to do, i wanted so much more than what i given to myself.
- i am in no way complete in this journey, and i may never reach my goal - but that doesn't mean i have to stop trying.
i have 3 simple, yet strong desires
1) to be the right male influence in my sons life
2) to always take care of the people who i love in one way or another
3) to inspire my son and nephew to be whatever it is they want to be
i am truly blessed to have met the new people in my life. i wish i would have known them years ago, but i am sort of glad i didn't. i have become better from my mistakes and these people wouldn't have stuck around or enabled me while i lived selfishly.
i don't know what suddenly brought on this moment of clarity - but i know what i have to do. the last time i did this - i called him an asshole. that was over 10 years ago. i have to call my dad. i have to tell him how i feel. right now i am not sure i can do this. it's going to be hard. i just thought about writing him a letter, but i know he needs to hear it audibly from me. i have to confront the dragon before i can ever defeat it.
that is a line from a tv show i secretly like - Grey's Anatomy. it was from an episode in 2006, but i wrote it down on a post-it and just found it. why did i write this down?
well
cause i myself am what you would call a manchild. i am what Meridith hates - a man who acts like a boy. i think there is a fine line between being a man who has a strong sense of humor and likes to have fun, and a man who is just juvenile and immature. sadly i have fallen into the category of the latter. i have been stuck there for a good 8 years now. irresponsible and arrogant, i would look at others like they were dull and an inferior. i had no qualms about being this way - my reaction was, if you don't like it; fuck you. but there you go - a very immature and selfish response.
i know deep down i didn't want to be this person - almost like it was a front. it was much easier to live life this way - people don't expect much from you when you are a man acting like a boy. so when i would come up with another decent accomplishment, others would see it as something amazing - when in reality it was just mediocre.
you see i didn't have a positive male role model in my life. i mean my dad showed up everyday of the first 18 years of my life, but he didn't exist in my life. he was a body that played all day and worked all night - forcing my mother to be the main model for what i should be as a person. i don't regret this - because my mother taught me what is is to be a gentleman and how women should be treated - and that lesson was invaluable. when my parents finally got divorced when i was 18 was probably one of the best and worst days for me. it was the best because i didn't have to see my mother hurt anymore. it was the worst cause it showed me how easy it is to walk away from commitments.
i met someone who sort of put me in my place before they ever really "knew" me. we had never spent time together at all really, but i made a comment that i was just a kid and didn't want to grow up (or something very close to that) - they quickly retorted "no, you're not" i can't forget that moment - inside a craft store with a somewhat stranger, who could see through my exterior and could see that was waiting inside. i really don't think i will ever forget that moment.
it was the start of another life change for me.
i went home that night and thought long and hard about what they said - i went and watched my son sleep and promised him that i would not teach him the same things my father taught me. it took some time to fully grasp what it was i was about to do - but over the last month it has been a work in progress. the last month i have been myself to everyone around. no more putting on an act to appease or entertain my crowd, i had to be the real Brandon.
now the real Brandon is still very juvenile in his behaviors, but he isn't immature. he has accepted full responsibility for his actions and is slowly progressing himself into a man.
i looked around and saw a world that i didn't like - a world that really didn't like me - i knew what i had to do, i wanted so much more than what i given to myself.
- i am in no way complete in this journey, and i may never reach my goal - but that doesn't mean i have to stop trying.
i have 3 simple, yet strong desires
1) to be the right male influence in my sons life
2) to always take care of the people who i love in one way or another
3) to inspire my son and nephew to be whatever it is they want to be
i am truly blessed to have met the new people in my life. i wish i would have known them years ago, but i am sort of glad i didn't. i have become better from my mistakes and these people wouldn't have stuck around or enabled me while i lived selfishly.
i don't know what suddenly brought on this moment of clarity - but i know what i have to do. the last time i did this - i called him an asshole. that was over 10 years ago. i have to call my dad. i have to tell him how i feel. right now i am not sure i can do this. it's going to be hard. i just thought about writing him a letter, but i know he needs to hear it audibly from me. i have to confront the dragon before i can ever defeat it.
posted by brandon at
8:26 PM
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