in-sanitation
i'm in the middle of a feud. i wish it were with someone louche and questionable, because then at least my feud would be slightly cool. but no, my feud is with my garbage man. and i'm going to win this feud - so help me. i'm close to meeting him at the curb with a glove to slap his stupid face - so i can challenge him to a duel.
about two or three months ago, my garbage man left me a cute little note. no, he wasn't thanking me for all the quality garbage and recycling i produce (a metric ton of beer bottles and ice cream containers and magazines), he was complaining because i "put our cans too close together and they must be at least four feet apart." he left this note on top of the still full garbage cans that he refused to pick up.
of course at the time he left the note - i had just had a party, so there were all sorts of decomposing items in the garbage can that had to sit around for another week, in addition to the new garbage that had accumulated. most of my friends and family were confused why i was pissed off about this, because i'm averse to rotting garbage scenting my home. of course these are people who think their gaseous emissions smell like chanel no. 5, so it makes sense why they don’t get why i was so bothered.
the next garbage pickup, i carefully observed the 4 foot rule, as well as the rule of not exceeding the capacity of the can. i was a regular sanitary poster child. i gave good garbage. and the garbage was picked up, so all was well, until one night i happened to look down at the rest of the garbage cans on our street and i noticed that the neighbor's cans were closer together than 4 feet, like so close they were touching - and yet their garbage was being picked up. well, i'll be fucked sideways. if my neighbor's garbage cans can touch, so can mine.
next garbage day, i put the cans close together. that night -i came home to find one of the cans, open, lying on its side. the other can was sideways at the other end of the driveway. but the rest of the block, all their garbage cans were neatly lined up and touching. and thus - it was on.
the feud had begun.
every week, i've deliberately put the garbage cans together (like the rest of the street), and every week, the cans are fucked up. knocked over. akimbo. today i was fed up, so i put the garbage cans together and then at the ungodly hour of 5:15 am, i watched the garbage man from a hidden corner on the side of the house. the fucker dumped our garbage into the truck and then got out of the truck – and looked around before knocking over one of our empty cans with his foot. (where i live we have specially designed cans that can be picked up and dumped by an robotic arm on the truck. so he had to put the truck in park – unbuckle his seat belt – and then hop out. a lot of work)
at this point, i sprang out of the shadows and said, "why the fuck did you do that?" it was kind of funny to watch him jump. he recovered quickly though, and with an extremely surly tone he said he was fed up with my cans being too close every week. i said, "well, what about the rest of the block? see their cans? yeah, they're all touching, yet you don't abuse their cans. what the fuck?"
here's where the story just gets bizarre, as per usual in my life. the garbage man (who looks like he just came from the local biker bar) picks up one of the recycling can and chucks it into the back of his truck, gets in the truck, and starts to drive away. i stood in awe until my anger took over again and i ran up along side the truck, just in time to be treated to his grinning face and his middle finger.
now i only have the one garbage can. all i'm going to say is, hell hath no fury. do i not pay for this service? i have a feeling that dealing with the sanitation department is going to be like dealing with the dmv - i'm going to get fucked. there's probably some rule i don't know about, like: never fuck with your garbage man. i’ll probably all have to move because i tried to take them on.
this is a complaint from yesterday, but it still stands today: i hate people who say, "happy hump day!" on wednesdays. they are the same people who say, "t.g.i.f!" and "looks like someone's got a bad case of the mondays!" (and they aren't being sarcastic and quoting office space either) and "it's raining so hard, i had to swim into work! quack, quack!" i hate you and i hope you trip over your payless shoes.
about two or three months ago, my garbage man left me a cute little note. no, he wasn't thanking me for all the quality garbage and recycling i produce (a metric ton of beer bottles and ice cream containers and magazines), he was complaining because i "put our cans too close together and they must be at least four feet apart." he left this note on top of the still full garbage cans that he refused to pick up.
of course at the time he left the note - i had just had a party, so there were all sorts of decomposing items in the garbage can that had to sit around for another week, in addition to the new garbage that had accumulated. most of my friends and family were confused why i was pissed off about this, because i'm averse to rotting garbage scenting my home. of course these are people who think their gaseous emissions smell like chanel no. 5, so it makes sense why they don’t get why i was so bothered.
the next garbage pickup, i carefully observed the 4 foot rule, as well as the rule of not exceeding the capacity of the can. i was a regular sanitary poster child. i gave good garbage. and the garbage was picked up, so all was well, until one night i happened to look down at the rest of the garbage cans on our street and i noticed that the neighbor's cans were closer together than 4 feet, like so close they were touching - and yet their garbage was being picked up. well, i'll be fucked sideways. if my neighbor's garbage cans can touch, so can mine.
next garbage day, i put the cans close together. that night -i came home to find one of the cans, open, lying on its side. the other can was sideways at the other end of the driveway. but the rest of the block, all their garbage cans were neatly lined up and touching. and thus - it was on.
the feud had begun.
every week, i've deliberately put the garbage cans together (like the rest of the street), and every week, the cans are fucked up. knocked over. akimbo. today i was fed up, so i put the garbage cans together and then at the ungodly hour of 5:15 am, i watched the garbage man from a hidden corner on the side of the house. the fucker dumped our garbage into the truck and then got out of the truck – and looked around before knocking over one of our empty cans with his foot. (where i live we have specially designed cans that can be picked up and dumped by an robotic arm on the truck. so he had to put the truck in park – unbuckle his seat belt – and then hop out. a lot of work)
at this point, i sprang out of the shadows and said, "why the fuck did you do that?" it was kind of funny to watch him jump. he recovered quickly though, and with an extremely surly tone he said he was fed up with my cans being too close every week. i said, "well, what about the rest of the block? see their cans? yeah, they're all touching, yet you don't abuse their cans. what the fuck?"
here's where the story just gets bizarre, as per usual in my life. the garbage man (who looks like he just came from the local biker bar) picks up one of the recycling can and chucks it into the back of his truck, gets in the truck, and starts to drive away. i stood in awe until my anger took over again and i ran up along side the truck, just in time to be treated to his grinning face and his middle finger.
now i only have the one garbage can. all i'm going to say is, hell hath no fury. do i not pay for this service? i have a feeling that dealing with the sanitation department is going to be like dealing with the dmv - i'm going to get fucked. there's probably some rule i don't know about, like: never fuck with your garbage man. i’ll probably all have to move because i tried to take them on.
this is a complaint from yesterday, but it still stands today: i hate people who say, "happy hump day!" on wednesdays. they are the same people who say, "t.g.i.f!" and "looks like someone's got a bad case of the mondays!" (and they aren't being sarcastic and quoting office space either) and "it's raining so hard, i had to swim into work! quack, quack!" i hate you and i hope you trip over your payless shoes.
posted by brandon at
1:20 PM
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