fuck this - fuck them

today is the hardest day. i am doing everything inside of me to hold it together but i am angry and still heartbroken.

what goes through a persons mind to just get in a car and open fire into an open crowd?

what kind of person does that? how are they living with themselves?

believe me i am far from perfect and i have done some horrible things in my past to hurt people and honestly i am the last person to judge but i am pissed off and my counselor told me the best way to get through this is to feel.

so that is what i am doing i am feeling.

Chanés family called and asked if we could make a recording of her voice mail because they were tired of having calling her extension several times a day to hear her voice - one the last bits of her that still existed - to hold on to - to hear.

i loose it every time i think about it - holding on to a recording of a loved ones voice cause you want to hear it - you miss it - they way they said good morning and laughed at your silliness - it gone

i know it isn't ever going to make sense - i am trying to realize that i can't find an answer for this - and even if i did find an answer - it wouldn't be good enough.

i am in no way saying anyone deserve to die more than another person - but Chané was the last person that deserved to be killed - she was good and wonderful person to the core - honest and trustworthy and always making sure everyone was taken care of. that's the most tragic of it all - someone like me - who has hurt people and acted irresponsibly - our breath is less valuable than hers.

just my opinion.