to move forward in the present - sometimes you have to visit the past

i did it today

i did it yesterday

i did it this weekend

but what i found today was jaw dropping - a livejournal post from May 1999 - a significant line i found in the entry was this:

i can't complete anyone when i can't even complete myself - don't look to me - don't look at me - i'm just a fucked up boy who keeps running in the same vicious cycle

i wanted to be everyone's everything - to the point that i was destroying myself and disappointing myself - which led to me destroying others and disappointing others.

i get really angry at myself for what i did - for who i let myself become over the last 30 years of my life - it has been an ebb and flow

moments of greatness and clarity - then the ever quick nosedive into an emotional oblivion

i'm looking for the lights to guide me home - it's just so damn dark