after a while you get used to the crunching sound

you know with each relationship the comes and goes in life - you are supposed to learn something. be it about life or yourself.

for the most part this has held true for me - or let me rephrase - for the most part i thought this held true for me.

now single and seemingly "lost" in the dating world i realized that while lessons have been available for me to learn from - i have pretty much ignored all the big things.

the one constant that i always seemed to find as a relationship came to an end is the fact i always got frustrated that i felt like i was walking on eggshells.

it had become such a commonplace feeling that i was used to the sound of the crunching eggshells - but if i want to be really honest with myself - that isn't completely the fault of anyone else but me.

my one failure was i refused to actually be honest with myself which led me to not being completely honest with someone who i was working on developing a lasting relationship with.

my last relationship ended because of my refusal to be honest with myself which led me to being dishonest with them which led to me being paranoid and insecure about myself and my capabilities.

tonight i was listening to the new Kings of Leon album and one song that i always hung on to was "Use Somebody" cause i felt it was a true expression of how i felt and what i wanted but tonight i realized that i was listening to the wrong song - "Use Somebody" played and passed without me giving a second thought - then "Be Somebody" came on and i stopped and just closed my eyes and listened.

it's not that i could use somebody to make feel whole - it's that i have to be somebody to make a difference - to be trustworthy and kind.

so the familiar sound and feeling of eggshells crunching beneath my feet were actually the tiny pieces of my own self inflicted broken heart.

i can't change my past - but i can improve for the future - i can be humble and regretful for my mistakes and learn from them - learn how to be somebody for myself and someone special out there.