an emotionally rough week

i have had a really rough 12 months - highs and lows. good times and bad. but the last 7 days have been pretty damn tough on my emotions.

this isn't a post to tell you all how shitty things are. this is to tell you - through all the dross and mud - my scars are glowing red. and i am fucking elated about them.

i am making the right decisions in my life for once and goddamn if it doesn't feel good. it hurts so bad but like Penny Lane said in Almost Famous - Never take it seriously, you never get hurt. Never get hurt, you can always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit all your friends.

music has really carried me though the week and i want to share some of the friends who have really help me to see things in a better light. i suggest you check them out. most of them are available on iTunes. if you can't afford the music then i can mail you a mix-tape.

Jay Clifford - Driving Blind - Soulful voice that really grips you from the inside - feels like he is singing right to you.

Cary Brothers - Who You Are - One of my fav. artist. His first full length studio album is perfect. the song Honestly has swirled all kinds of emotions inside of me.

William Fitzsimmons - Goodnight - The song It's Not True is beautiful.

Jay Nash - Over You - Every song on here is delightful and inspiring.

Ingrid Michaelson - Girls and Boys - She is probably my new fav. female vocalist right now. her song Keep Breathing is awe inspiring and it is actually not on this CD it is on the Grey's Anatomy season 3 soundtrack. she is a must listen

Naimee Coleman - Bring Down the Moon - Survive really spoke to me. I don't know where you are going to find her EP but you can hear her on myspace. very raw and sweet voice.

with all that being put out there i want to address a second part of this shitty week. this involves me and a self understanding. those who know me well know that Garden State is my fav movie. well another one of my favorites is The Last Kiss. it is one of the most difficult movies to watch because it is so brutally honest and genuine. this quote has resonated from my head all week: The world is moving so fast now that we start freaking long before our parents did because we don't ever stop to breathe anymore.

i have done nothing but freak out and try and rush my life into something impossible the last 3 months. i realized i needed to slow down and enjoy things. i tried to rush my career. i tried to rush relationships. i tried to rush life as a whole. that is why i am homeless and confused. that is why i want to run away and sort things out. but maybe it is just a trip to lake travis to write and take pictures and focus on me - so that i can work on developing real friendships and relationships. i have shut the door on the things that bring me down and i am ready to face this new chapter with resilience and valor.

i am not saying i won't fall or get hurt. i will i know this. but i will be prepared for the stumbles and i will surround myself with people to pick me up and stand in the gap for me when i am weak. i know those people will step up - i am stepping up for them.

it is time to laugh and smile and hug and sing and at times just scream.

if you want to ride call me

just realized how a certain person affects my life.....

do you know Nick Hornby?


if not you should - he is one of our greatest modern novelist. i am sure you know the movies that have been made from his novels - but only one really does his work justice.

anyhew

his new book SLAM comes out the day after my sons first birthday - 10/17/07.

i have been waiting forever for this to come out for many reasons but mostly cause this won't be his typical book. this is actually a book for young adults dealing with teenage pregnancy. i think it take brave people to write about the things society needs to deal with - but is usually to afraid to.

i just looked at the shelf on my desk and saw his latest book A Long Way Down sitting there and it got me to thinking how influential Hornby has been for me as a person and as a writer. they way he speaks to me in his novels, is exactly the way my brain thinks.

so i thought i would rank my top 5 fav. Hornby novels from my least favorite to my favorite.**NOTE** this list is reserved to his full length literary novels - non of his non-fiction collections from publications.

#5 - Fever Pitch - A wonderful book about Hornby's personal journey as a fan of a football club in the UK - the whole Boston Red Sox adaptation for film made me a little sick. If you are going to watch the movie - watch the UK version about the football club with Colin Firth.

#4 - A Long Way Down - Another masterpiece from Hornby. He touched on depression, suicide, angst and casual sex in a very humorous yet touching manner that i think anyone can relate to. I was drawn to the character JJ.

#3 - How To Be Good - A fantastic look at marriage, parenthood and the morals that surround them both. It is told from a female perspective and any male writer that successfully writes from a woman's vantage point obviously has talent. I think what made this book so important to me that I read it twice in a row and again a 3rd time when Rhys was on the way, was the character David - who is the female protagonists husband. Everything he said was slight and humorous but also very nervous and unsure. i totally connected.

#1b TIE - High Fidelity - I often feel like Rob Flemming the protagonist in the book. If I wasn't 17 when this book was released in 1995, I would have thought Hornby wrote it about me. Not only is this book a key part of my life but the film is as well. Hornby was very involved in the adaptation of his book and it shows in the film. I don't think there is a page in this book that doesn't have a statement or situation that i relate to and sigh or cry or both.

#1a TIE - About A Boy - Fuck if this isn't another book that I could switch roles with the lead character. This is a story about two boys one 12 and the other in his early 30's. I might as well change my name to Will Freeman. This is such a tragically honest story about loneliness and how when we least expect it, want it or even look for it - friendship, love and personal growth is only a footstep away. I am thinking of reading it tonight. Like Will I am a 30 year old boy - and like Will I think I am at a stage in my life where i realize i need to stop walking away from the footsteps and turn to face them and let the people taking them run into me.

---------

so yeah there you go a long ass post about an author and a man who i consider to be a personal contemporary. i think the reasons i relate to Horny are pretty simple
1) he is british and i have always wished i was from across the pond - i just like brits better.
2) music is crucial and vital to Hornbys life and he incorporates music in his work every chance he can - but it isn't shoehorned in - it is subtle and perfect.

okay i am going to shut up now - i don't even know who is still reading this. i just realized i have been writing this for the last 35 minutes. if you are still reading this - then you are special and i need you to be a part of my life. if you skimmed over most of it cause you thought it was boring - well i will still like you, but i think you know i will bore you with my passions.

green et al. , 2007

i am not usually a person who takes delight in quoting themselves, but i am have to make an exception in this case. while talking on-line earlier today, i uttered the following sentence:

"do 'private dick' and 'private eye' mean the same thing, or am i confusing real life with porn once again?"


the fact that i asked this question in complete sincerity only serves to make it that much more hilarious. on the other hand, it is kinda sad that i have reached a point in my life where that fine line between porn and reality has been completely obliterated.

same clothes new outfit

so i did an audio recording of myself on my phone while driving today - an audio blog of sorts - i might post the actual audio later

yeah so i could not decide what to wear at all today. not having my own closet to look at stuff - i REALLY need to get off my ass and find a new home. thankfully i have found a friend who amazingly likes to help me. so yeah - i got that going.

anyhew

the point of this is to say that i couldn't find anything that made me feel happy today so i just picked a shirt and a pair of pants and said whatever.

well i am so fucking happy about it - it seriously has elevated even more.

so yeah just sharing this information

i think i am about to run out of time on the recording so i should wrap up.

i don't want to be in work today - i want to be somewhere else - i have a meeting at 8:15 tonight so i feel like i should just leave and then come back to cover my 7.3 hours for the day.

i just spend so much time working - i am a severe workaholic - i think it is time to change.

end of voice recording

getting to know me

- when wearing headphones, the earpiece labeled 'R' must go in my right ear and the earpiece labeled 'L' must go in my left ear. i cannot hit 'play' until i have checked to make sure that i don't have them in backwards.

- i prefer to only use one kind of pen - the sanford uni-ball micro (.2mm) with blue ink. i always have one in my car and several in my bag. i don't have a major problem when it comes to using shitty publicly-provided ballpoint pens when i am in stores and restaurants, but i would never use anything other than those sanfords at home or at work. it isn't so much a 'preference' as it is an 'odd obsession.' hey, at least i can admit it.

- i hate, and i literally mean hate, asking girls out. i can count on one hand the number of times i have actually done it. it has nothing to do with any sort of "fear of rejection" paranoia, i just really dislike doing it.

- i don't like celebrating my birthday. i know that everyone always says this as their birthday approaches, but i honestly mean it. in fact, i never tell people when my birthday is just because i want the actual day to slip by without anyone saying anything to me about it. after all, time itself is 100% arbitrary. a span of 365 days has absolutely no meaning outside of this planet. when you look at it that way, what the hell is the point of celebrating the anniversary of the day you slid out of your mother's vagina?

- my 3 favorite holidays, in order, are: halloween, arbor day, and christmas.

- i simply cannot leave the house Monday morning unless my bed is fully made. no exceptions. after Monday it is okay if it is a bit untidy, but after my Sunday slumber it has to be made for the week to progress smoothly.

- i hate reality television so much that i will actually 'skip' over stations when those shows are on. for example, if the apprentice is on, instead of hitting the 'channel up' button to go from 4 to 6 through 5, i will actually type in 0-6 on the remote to avoid ever hitting nbc (which is channel 5 in dfw) as i switch from channel 4. the idea behind this is that nielsen can't accidentally score me as 'watching' a reality show in the split second that it took me to scan past that station (which would ultimately give that particular show a 'higher' rating). i am not kidding about this. i hate reality television that much. (exceptions are Project Runway and Top Chef)

- kelly ripa's cleavage makes me nauseous in a way that no other object on the face of the earth has ever been able to duplicate.

- i never eat the first and last slices off of a brick of cheese. for some ridiculous reason i believe that the slices touching the plastic wrapping taste odd. my sister does the same exact thing, though i think that it is probably my fault.

- i am not kidding in the least when i say that i have seen pride and prejudice and anne of green gables no less than 30 times a piece. i personally do not own either of these films (yet), which makes my having seen them so many times that much more ridiculous.

- i have never been in a fight or thrown a punch in my life.

- i cannot write in cursive at all. my signature is literally just a curvy 'b' with a squiggly line extending away from it.

- i dislike chocolate cake (not counting chocolate mousse cake or chocolate cheesecake).

- all throughout college, i was never able to purchase a used textbook that had highlighting in it or any notes in the margins.

shoes

i got home friday night and kicked off my shoes to relax - when i woke up on saturday, i saw them sitting on the floor just like this and had to shoot them.

stop being so needy

brandon you need to jut go to bed and stop letting your active imagination get the best of you.

everything is fine

slow down and let the good things happen on their own time not yours.

cleaning out your life

last night i began to clean out my life


i unpacked my storage unit and separated things into groups of: donate, keep and trash.

Nicole's dad is coming to pick up a lot of stuff she wants to take from me.

Mission Arlington is coming on Thursday to pick up all the donated stuff.

and at some point i will trash all the stuff i don't want to see or that isn't worth keeping.

it was a very sad and lonely night last night.

sometimes i wish you could talk back

typing in stuff is so easy

i just need a sounding board or a leaning post or both

glad i am going to see dr. henry tomorrow.

post-it note stuff

added more to the post-it note expressions

i feel so confused

i just don't know what to think or feel.

am i reading too much into things?

i am having a hard time these last 24 hours.

i don't know if i am just reading too much into things or if i am paranoid cause this is all so new to me.

i just have the feeling that a hint is being passed my way and i am refusing to get it.

i don't know - i will give it a few more days before i react


Sunday night i met with Nicole to discuss her wants out of this divorce - she was beating around the bush a lot and i just wish she would come out and tell me what she wants. if she wants every single material possession i own than she can have it. she said she wasn't sure what she wanted from me - she was more concerned talking to me about dedicating Rhys to her church and his birthday party.

while i am very interested in his 1st birthday and being involved in whatever way i can - the issue at hand is getting her to stop procrastinating and sign the fucking papers.

i have moved on with my life - i am finally starting to put all the pieces back together and i feel she is holding me back.

i told her how much money i would give her for Rhys - which is more than i need to but really he is my concern.

i know her parents are behind all the procrastination and the greed.

but honestly - WHATEVER

i want it over with

this is going to break me financially - but in the end it will be worth it.

i don't need the money - i just need a "real" friend to bitch about things

Chuck Palahniuk is my god

here is an excerpt from RANT

Here's a single girls secret–the reason you eat dinner with a man on a first date is so you know how he's going to fuck you. A slob who gobbles down a meal, never looks at a bite, you know NOT to crawl into bed with THAT guy

i love it! i love this book so far. Palahniuk never disappoints me. i like that.

i am sure i will be finished with this by the weekends end, unless someone wants to hang out with me - then i might not.

anyhew


if anyone wants to borrow it next please let me know. i love spreading literary love.

can't be there

your heart, so wonderful, so true
your soul so eager to share
any care that was found in you,
but i can't be there.

your voice gently says my name
your eyes have that longing stare
your changing my life, nothing's the same
but i can't be there.

your smile shines so bright
a bond, of this, i'm aware
warming up the coldest night
but i can't be there.

this strength so bold and sincere
i want to carry all you bear
express the same feelings you hold dear
but i can't be there.

meeting you, a dream come true
lead my emotions no where
only to the thoughts of you,
but i just can't go there.

i just want to start it all over!!!!

i have had it!

literally - i can not take anymore of the meddling and the drama.

i have a feeling this is going to be an emotionally painful weekend - i am going to see my counselor at 4:00 today. - i am going to see what she thinks - but a lot of what i have to do is at her suggestion - so i am sure she will be supportive - and if she isn't - well honestly i think i am still going to do it.

the cold hard truth is i am breaking up with my friends - the meddle they bring me down and they know all the right buttons to push to keep me down

i have said this tons of times before, but i think it is time. i need a solid positive influence in my life - a leaning post if you will.

it's time for a change of scenery - a change in habits - change in the way i think and act - i am writing this out more for me than for you all to read - but there are something i like to just speak out about publicly.

i guess i will keep you updated on things.

since writing this i have gone from overwhelmed and stressed to excited and relieved.

freewriting

no more will i wake up expect life to be perfect

i am only going to look forward to the mediocre

it's not that i fell a need to be negative or see the world as fatalistic

if plan on things to merely be pedestrian than almost everything will be better than worse

i sat in a meeting this morning - contemplating all that life has thrown at me in the last 2 weeks

things will never be perfect; people will always have their faults; all i can do is grin and make sure i use my life to positively affect the lives of others.

i can't see my future - this should scare me - but i have the match lit - i am ready to burn this book of life and start with fresh white sheets of paper.

it is going to be hard

i am going to cry

i'll get angry

rock bottom will be ever close

in all reality i am terribly confused - nothing seems black and white - everyone is grey - i know there is color in a handful of souls - i hope that one day - maybe 8 or 9 months from now i will find a colorful soul to help me paint new life onto these -fresh white sheets of paper.

ask me what i want out of life
the answer is simple - i want to age well; share joy; inspire others




i see you, you see me - differently
you tell me that you love me, but you never want to see me again

mental masturbation

- Rant is porn for my brain

- Chuck Palahniuk is my Jenna Jameson

......with each turned page my brain is penetrated by words.......the stimulation is spine tingling, i rip at the fabric in my seat as i get further and further into the plot..............i can feel the juices within my brain churning ready to explode......just as i am about to loose it.............i find myself distracted with a new character or a new twist.......this makes me hold off on letting myself release..........i can hear my breath steadily increase as i finish this chapter.....i feel my cerebellum erect, these words tease it and rub it.....i feel the last paragraph quickly approaching.......my feet are now fidgeting with the legs of this chair....i as get to the last word of the last sentence of the last paragraph it happens............i had a phrengasm.

taking me down in a whimsical spiral

i think the craziness of the last few weeks and the sudden departure from dallas to seattle has really gotten to me.

i am just really really down tonight. not that this isn't normal for me, but i am just feeling terribly anti-social. i just feel like the things i want to be doing i can't and the things i don't want to be doing, i am being guilted into.

i don't know what is wrong with me, maybe i should just go to sleep. there are a lot of things i want to be doing right now that are bad for me, but there is something that is keeping me from it - i think it's that stupid thing called hope.

i just need to be by myself and not think i need someone else to "save me" - i need to save myself. give up on hope - it's foolish.

i can't help but fight the negativity.....

sometimes i just feel like i am never going to find that person that cares enough. sure there are people who "care" about me, but it is their own selfish caring. not a genuine care for me to be happy.

whatever, i am being whiny.