you read the headlines and hear the stories everyday

Police seeking witnesses to fatal shooting outside downtown Dallas club

someone being shot or stabbed or murdered and you just kind of accept it and move on in your day - it isn't until the headline is about someone you truly cared about that you world just comes to a complete halt.

last night one of the most beautiful and bright young women i have ever met was shot and killed in a random drive by.

i am just devastated - my heart is broken for her friends and family. Chané (Jessica) worked our PR dept. and had an extremely bright future ahead of her. this is truly a tragic loss - she was loved by so many people.

her smile was contagious and i don't care what kind of day i was having when she came around a corner or i was near her and she would smile and say hello - everything just stopped for a moment - she was charismatic and brilliant at her job - she just had the right kind of attitude and i am going to truly miss her - as i know a lot of other people will as well.

please don't ever take life for granted - this has really hit me hard

big news from pocket rockers

so i just finished the playlist for a mix-tape i have been working on - and it got me thinking - what if i there was a tv commercial for my mix-tapes - what would it be like

that thought took me back to a conversation i had earlier in the evening about Kids Inc. and Mickey Mouse Club - i would pretty much stop down my life as a kid for those two shows - i wanted to be just like Justin from MMC and Ryan from KInc - singing and dancing and hanging out with older (than me) girls.

i thought i was the missing piece on each of those shows - i envisioned myself up there being funny and clumsy and cute - walking off the stage when the show was over to adoring fans - signing autographs - waving at all the cute girls as i left the building in a pair of Ray Bans and rocking out with my newest cassette for my Pocket Rockers.

i was totally enamored with the thought of being a star - now the i am older and wiser (not really sure i am but i like to think i am) - i now realize that when Justin and Ryan walked off the stage they weren't met by adoring fans or glitz and glamour - they were met by their parents who gave them a Hi-C juice box and some Sticklets gum and rushed the away in their wood paneled station wagon

i wanted to be a big deal - i wanted people to see me and rush over to be around me - to have my autograph - i wanted them to know me for my talent and killer personality - i think most of this was caused by the fact i didn't have any friends around me cause they all lived far away (5 miles or more) - so i think i was hungry for attention

the irony of all this is today - someone referred to me as a "big deal" and i quickly shot that idea down - i didn't want to seem like a big deal - cause at the core - i don't think i am a big deal - but i did realize that a little part of my dream had come true - people do see my talent and my killer personality all over the place - they just don't know it's me - and i think i like it this way - to be anonymously admired

that being said i am going to exit the stage now and get some sleep cause MousercisE starts at 5am and Kellyn likes it when i am fully rested and breathing properly - i am also going to begin to wish for something new and completely ridiculous -------- i want pocket rockers to make a comeback

a graceful tailwind

that's what i imagine it looks like from behind me - a graceful tailwind - i'm a runner literally and metaphorically. what i am talking about here is the metaphoric part. it's what i have always known - running

not facing conflict - turning away and sprinting.

not facing my flaws - looking around for an out and slowly jogging - turning my head back to try and save some face but ultimately i stop looking back and i quickly step up my pace to the full on sprint.

i jumped off the starting line at one point in my life and i had a good gait - i had a purpose - i had a desire to make it to that finish line - to complete the race and prepare of the next race to improve the mistakes i made and correct them so i could finish the next face quicker, smarter and better.

but i'm stuck between the starting line and the finish line - i keep running in different directions and im not making progress.

it why i am always reluctant to develop relationships - cause deep down i know i am not Brandon; meaning a beacon, fiery hill - i am Szemere; small man, demolisher

i just end up finding a way to sabotage it - not cause i want to cause heartache or frustration to the other party - but because - well - because - i have no good reason

tonight on Grey's (yes guilty secret pleasure) Derek told Meridith she was broken 0 she was a lemon and it just struck a chord

is that me? am i just broken and a lemon?

i've hurt some fabulous people in my past - people who were better off before they met me.

they didn't deserve it - i don't deserve it and at the core it isn't me at all - it wasn't what i was when i was a child - i was kind and gentle and tenderhearted and well i am still all those things - but something has surfaced that frightens me about myself that when i feel i have found something good - i have to ruin it.

but maybe i've just been such a fabulous liar that i have convinced myself i am all these good things and well i am just a sour fractured soul.

the thing about lemons - they just need a little water to break down the acid and some sugar to offset the sour and well they become a wonderful refreshing treat.

a new look

so i have spent the last few days changing the look of my blog - also contemplating moving my blog over to my website and off of blogspot


i would still keep the nigelmushmouth account - just have it redirect to my site.

i dunno

anyhew - it's not 100% complete - but close enough i was ready to "unveil" it. i am still going to add a few more of my doodles to the page

:D

southern style barbecue

you know something that i love - southern style barbecue - i love every part of it - the sauce, the sides, the condiments - and most of all i love to cook southern style barbecue.

the way the sauce slowly pours onto the meat and the meat gently soaks in the sauce - giving it a faint crimson glow - as if the sauce were the sun and the meat is a fair skin being lightly sun-kissed.

i digress onto the real reason i wanted to write this and rant for a bit.

last night i sat down by myself at a unnamed barbecue restaurant - i had been craving barbecue for a while so as i was driving to the establishment i was excited - as i walked in the door my lips slowly moved upward to develop a light grin of pleasure

it was the smell of smoked meats - barbecue sauce and potato salad

suddenly - as if i was ambushed from behind - i was assaulted by the twang of some top 40 country music song. don't get me wrong - i appreciate music - i love music and REAL country - classic country is irreplaceable - but this is strait out of the mouth of some overproduced silver spoon fed young man that had no business to be lamenting on his hard times.

sure that sounds rude and snobby but it's the way i feel - i won't apologize

okay - tangent - sorry

i get my food and sit down - i close my eyes as i take the first bite ------ heaven - my taste-buds are dancing - my palate is delighted - i open my eyes to have my happiness taken down a few notches - everywhere i look i see western decor - from the floor to the ceiling

why - why - why - do we have to be pummeled by cliché decor and music to enjoy good barbecue? why can't i sit down in a mod styled dining room while indie rock blares from the speakers?

wait i can

i just have to make it happen myself - so this is deal - as soon as i get everything settled - you are all invited over for some amazing barbecue teamed with great music and laid back non cliché setting.

thanks for letting me rant a little bit.

to move forward in the present - sometimes you have to visit the past

i did it today

i did it yesterday

i did it this weekend

but what i found today was jaw dropping - a livejournal post from May 1999 - a significant line i found in the entry was this:

i can't complete anyone when i can't even complete myself - don't look to me - don't look at me - i'm just a fucked up boy who keeps running in the same vicious cycle

i wanted to be everyone's everything - to the point that i was destroying myself and disappointing myself - which led to me destroying others and disappointing others.

i get really angry at myself for what i did - for who i let myself become over the last 30 years of my life - it has been an ebb and flow

moments of greatness and clarity - then the ever quick nosedive into an emotional oblivion

i'm looking for the lights to guide me home - it's just so damn dark